


Lead Us Home

by Koneia



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-05 14:56:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17920991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koneia/pseuds/Koneia
Summary: On the verge of breaking down, hunted by an unknown belligerent enemy and with no possibility to stock up supplies, Voyager’s crew places its hope for survival on one last desperate maneuver.Note: This is my take on a Year-Of-Hell-like scenario.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Malezita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malezita/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Lead Us Home - Janeway/Chakotay](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/461219) by Luna. 



> I wanted to write a short story on the occasion of Malezita’s birthday, targeting about 1500-2000 words - just to get going into writing again. As you see from the word count, my muse ignored this and hijacked the plot completely. However, since she now is going feral with another story which seems to morph from a plot-bunny to something resembling a brontosaurus, I am grateful she only went a tiny bit wild with ‘Lead Us Home’.
> 
> But apart from shooting massively over my initial target, writing this story sent me into an emotional maelstrom that I barely escaped. Only with the help and support of so many VAMBies I found the strength to continue and push it through. Thus, a heartfelt thank you goes to:  
> Malezita, who didn’t find it ridicoulous when I told her that I am unable to get J/C out of my emotional system and patiently listened to my sorrows.  
> KJaneway115, who stayed at my side, walked with me through this emotional hell and helped me to find a way how to deal with it. She also beta-ed this story although her RL must have been hellishly busy.  
> JoAryn, who provided many nasty technical problems for the crew to solve and who kindly suggested that writing sex-scenes is not that difficult - after all it is only about tab A fitting into slot B. Thanks ;-) I also followed her advice to not mix up menstruations and ministrations during a sex scene. I think I also managed this task. ;-)  
> Indian Summer, who patiently listened to my whining in the chat about writing sex-scenes and subjected me to a de-sensitizing therapy. Now I know that I gladly write any sex-scene in English - it is way less embarrassing than writing it in German.  
> Sabine, who agreed to give the story a read-through, when no one else had the time and my writers block was on its hight. Her encouraging words and years of experience in swallowing smut-novels were of invaluable help to me. I have infected her with the J/C bug though and introduced her to the world of smutty fanfiction. I am not sure if I should apologize for this.  
> And last but not least: Luna. I found her wonderful video to ‘Lead Us Home’ on youtube, which finally was the impulse to get over the writers block. After having the gut to contact her, which ended in an astonishing discussion, she came up with an incredible video condensing our thoughts into something wonderful - which in turn triggered the aforementioned plot-bunny to become a brontosaurus. But this is literally another story, which I will hope to be able to submit to the VAMB song challenge 2019. If you don’t know what the latter is - just jump into my collections and let your muse go viral.
> 
> Stay safe, wherever you are.  
> Koneia

Seasons come and seasons go

Hearts that break will mend and grow

And when the darkness feels darker still

I'll be with you, Oh I will, Oh I will.

 

And we'll find strength for another day

And we'll find light and let it lead the way

And in the end we won't be alone

Cause hope will lead us home.

 

And we'll forget the scars we gave

We'll forget what we couldn't save

And for a moment, face to face

We'll choose love, we'll choose grace, we'll choose grace

 

Hope will lead us…

Hope will keep us…

Hope will lead us

 

[Daena Jay]


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 1**

 

“We need new options. Fast,” she stated, standing in front of her two most senior officers with her hands propped on the ready room’s desk. More than forty hours without sleep made her avoid chairs or any other comfortable position. Apparently the two men seemed to think similarly as no one had chosen to sit down. Sleep was nothing any of them could afford right now. “What’s our current status?”

Running his hand through his ruffled hair, Chakotay sighed, the bone-crushing exhaustion they all shared plainly written all over his unshaved face, his torn uniform blood-smeared and dirty. “Twenty two wounded, nine of them critically, but they all will survive. The Doctor set up a triage system again. Medical supplies and food are barely sufficient at the moment but can be covered somehow as long as we have energy resources left. Which is another matter entirely.”

Her view wandered to her only slightly better looking third in command, standing upright before her, a fresh wound on his shoulder tinting his uniform greenish. “Structural integrity is down to 64 percent, and propulsion was heavily damaged during the last attack. However, shields are again operational at 12 percent and the weapon arrays remained intact. Nevertheless, without extensive repairs maximum warp will be limited to warp two point four.”

Closing her eyes she cursed inwardly. Warp two point four was decidedly too slow to outpace their opponents, but the repairs would diminish their already limited energy resources into a dangerously critical level. Letting her head drop to her chest with a sigh, she bit her lip before she faced the men again. “At least we are no sitting ducks this time. We’ve faced worse. I guess we all agree that shields and warp drive have highest priority?”

Both men nodded.

Pushing herself away from the desk, Kathryn turned around and took a few steps over the debris on the floor to the upper level in the room. With her arms wrapped around her body she watched the stunningly swirling colors of the nebula they were hiding in. “I assume all  nearby planets where we might replenish are heavily guarded. As usual.”

The weary faces of her companions reflected in the window told her all she needed to know. Years of shared history taught her to read even the subtlest signs from both men who had become her closest friends. Trying to reign in the feeling of desperation, she pinched the bridge of her nose. She needed to focus. Somehow. Even at maximum warp and with unrestricted energy supplies they would still need months to cross this godforsaken part of space with a nameless enemy on their heels trying to take every advantage to destroy _Voyager_. With their food and energy supplies running so dangerously low and without the possibility to restock them … it was a recipe for disaster.

“How long will the food supplies last?,” she finally broke the silence.

Chakotay sighed. “Not long enough. If we further restrict rationing … then at maximum one month.”

Their eyes locked over the window. Too little to survive, too much to starve. Yet.

She bit her lip. “Are we able to perform the repairs?”

Tuvok’s reflection nodded. “At this time - yes.”

“At this time,” she repeated dryly. Unable to combat the feeling gripping her very being, she watched herself shaking her head in the window. The bone crushing fatigue, which had been lurking around the corner for the last weeks threatened to pull her down. Here. Now. She took a breath. “We’ll need at least two weeks for the repairs before we can risk leaving this nebula.”

Silence filled up the room. Time was nothing they had in abundance either.

“Referring to your recent order to think outside the box for alternatives…,” said Chakotay slowly as if treating on ice, “Vorik made … a suggestion.”

Turning around she looked questioningly at her first officer. “Vorik? And why does it sound like I am not going to like it?”

“It’s reckless.”

She merely raised an eyebrow. “Wouldn’t be the first time, would it?”

Sharing a troubled look with Tuvok, he sighed with the demeanor of someone who is aware that the boss will find much merit in a very crazy idea. He handed her a PADD. “It involves reactivating and modifying Arturis’ slip-stream drive. Amongst other … suggestions. I have to give Vorik credit - he calculated the probability of every possible outcome and called it himself a ‘not highly recommended course of action’.”

Janeway screened through the PADD’s content while her brows furrowed more and more. Finally she looked up again. “I see what you mean by reckless. I was not aware that Vulcan logic could cause such a creative boost of thinking. However, it would require that we decrease the energy usage immediately to a minimum or we won’t have enough resources left to make an attempt of this plan at all. What’s your opinion on this, gentlemen?”

Chakotay rubbed his forehead tiredly. “Even if we consider breaking the Prime Directive, we won’t be able to stock up our supplies without been shot into smithereens. They are too many and they surpass our technological level by decades. _Voyager_ most probably won’t survive another encounter with them. Making use of the slip-stream technology to get out of their territory as fast as possible might as well be our only chance.”

“I concur.” Tuvok shifted from one foot to another. “However, _Voyager_ is currently not in the position to withstand the forces of the slip-stream.”

“Thus regaining full hull integrity and reinforcing it is another high priority.” Placing the PADD on the desk, she stared at it. “I am not sure if we should place everything on this chance already. Vorik’s plan is a one shot scenario - if it does not work we have exhausted any other possibility.”

Tuvoks voice was calm. “Neither food nor energy supplies are sufficient to bypass the necessary time until we are able to exit their territory. Neither will be the available energy sufficient to realize Vorik’s suggestions in the very likely case we are attacked again.”

She sensed Chakotay’s gaze on her. Reluctantly lifting her eyes she met his wary, vulnerable look, bare, raw, and stripped down from the impenetrable thicket they’d both erected in the last year out of sheer necessity. To protect them from each other, from the anger, the accusations, the hurt. How ironic that exhaustion had been finally able to burn down what they’d both been incapable of solving. There was simply no strength left to upheld the thicket, there were more pressing matters than to protect oneself from hurt egos - one’s own and that of one‘s best friend. In the burnt fields what were left behind they only met each other again, exposed and with no place to hide, condensed to being _Voyager_ ’s commanding officers, emotional wounds bleeding, unsure how to proceed with the other.

Straightening, she studied her second and third in command. One thing was clear. They’d known the choice she was about to make before they’d entered the ready room. The question was if they would approve her choice. On the other hand, there were not many other options left and none of them was any better.

“Seems that we have no choice other than to follow Vorik’s suggestions,” she stated and allowed herself to relax as she saw the relief in the eyes of her friends. “We need to start repairs and relocate the crew quarters ahead of schedule so that we can shut down the life-support wherever possible. Tuvok, inform the crew and arrange matters. See to it that the crew gets some rest. And you too.”

The Vulcan nodded. “I will,” he replied quietly. “May I ask if you both still prefer sharing an alcove or shall I arrange other roommates?”

Chakotay exchanged a quick look with her in which she read all she needed to know. These were going to be tough times. If she had to choose to co-habitate with one of her crewmates who would probably witness her distress, then Chakotay was her first choice. And she knew it held true the other way round. She turned towards her chief of security. “Yes, Tuvok. We’ll leave the arrangements as discussed before.”

“Aye Captain,” he nodded and left the room.

As the doors swished shut behind him, her shoulders slumped. She stared at the floor. “I hope reactivating Arturis’ slip-stream was the right decision.”

“I fear this was the only decision possible. We can’t hide forever in this nebula,” he murmured, exhaustion clouding his voice. “And a five percent estimated success rate is more than zero.”

She nodded tiredly. “How is the crew coping? ”

“Well, they are aware how deep the shit currently is. Nerves are quite frayed. Relocating the crew quarters to small crowded areas with bunks and little privacy in order to safe energy will surely not make things better.”

She met his eyes. “I'm not sure what's more difficult to maintain. _Voyager_ 's systems or the crew's morale.”

“Vorik’s suggestions might be pivotal to get the crew focusing again.”

“Working together towards a shared aim, even if it is the proverbial last straw,” she sighed.

He merely nodded.

Slowly rounding the table, she stepped before him, searching for his eyes. “I know we both weren’t always on the same page in the last few months, but I am infinitely glad we are now.” She swallowed. “I … missed it. Very much.”

He pressed his lips together. “We probably wouldn’t be talking like this if the situation was not so dire, would we?”

A sad smile tugged on her lips. “Probably because we are both too stubborn for our own good. At least sometimes.”

For long moments he studied her, his features finally becoming soft. “I missed our friendship, too.”

She placed her hand lightly on his chest. So often done in the earlier days of their journey, so rarely done lately. A lump formed in her throat. What fools they’d been. “It is still there.”

Hesitantly, he took her hand in his, enveloped it. “It is.” This time it was him who swallowed. “I am so tired of all this, Kathryn.”

He didn’t need to go further. Not knowing when the next ambush would occur. Not knowing who would survive the next attack and who would not. Not knowing how long the food would last. Not knowing whether Vorik’s maneuver would be the last one they ever perform. Curling her fingers around his, she closed her eyes, exhaustion immediately embracing her.

So warm.

So secure.

His fingers pierced her shoulders. Gasping in pain, she opened her eyes in shock and met his anxious glance. “Gosh, Kathryn. You need to get some sleep before you break down.”

“Don’t we all?” she murmured.

He didn’t reply. Instead he forced her gently to the door and led her over the bridge to the turbo-lift, the worn-out faces of her crew and the desolate state of her ship blurring before her eyes as he guided her to her quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two sentences of the dialogue between Janeway and Chakotay about maintaining crew morale were inspired by and reused from a log entry from Year of Hell.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 2**

It had been weird - the first time they’d met in the small alcove Tuvok had assigned to them -  a small room with two benches to sleep and one table. Thankfully Tuvok had picked for them an alcove back in the corner of the hall with only the shared alcove of Ayala and Dalby next to them. Planned and under construction already weeks ago to allow shutting down life support on all decks containing crew quarters, the alcoves’ existence was another drastic albeit urgently necessary incision. As Chakotay had predicted, crew morale was well on the way to touching zero.

Chakotay and Kathryn had arrived at the same time at their new, shared quarters, awkwardly smiling at each other as they saw what the other had taken with them. She’d brought Dante, he’d brought his Akoonah. Both had brought their spare uniforms and spare clothes which they’d put, due to the lack of space, under their beds, their bodies uncomfortably bumping each other as they did so in the narrow gap between the benches.

He’d watched her, hesitating when she’d opened her bag with the few sanitary products which were to be placed on the small shelve above the table. “There is still time to scatter and ask for another companion,” he’d chuckled, but his eyes had been serious.

She’d raised an eyebrow and had started to unpack her belongings. “It’s not the first time that I’ve cohabitated with my room mate. At least I know his irks and quirks.”

He had laughed warmly in response. “And he knows yours.”

And she had been unable to stop herself from turning around and finding herself locking eyes with him. The moment had caught them both unguarded, had left time helplessly floating and unhinged.

A knock on the door had saved them. “Captain, Commander?” 

Chakotay had found his composure first. “Come in Neelix,” he’d said with a slightly shaking voice.

The small Talaxian sashayed into the room with a bundle of things on his arms. “Your daily rations and water. Also the hygiene pack. Don’t use any drinking water for hygiene purposes, just the things provided in the pack…”

With a grin on his face, Chakotay had studied the floor, then had cast her an amused look as the Talaxian continued to explain the hygiene regulation which the senior staff had worked out earlier together with the Doctor.

“Neelix,” she’d sighed, interrupting the small man, “Thank you. But the Commander and I are very well aware of the regulations.”

“Uh, yes, Captain. I am sorry, I forgot,” Neelix had stopped, his tired features looking distressed. “I … I was just doing the main routine in every alcove and …”

She’d laid her hand on his shoulders. “It’s alright, Neelix. Thank you for your efforts. But don’t forget to take some rest too.”

And then he had left them alone again, the hygiene pack and what it implied standing prominently at the table.

Chakotay had tugged his ear. “Alright… ”

She’d rubbed her neck as the consequences of their own regulations hit home. On New Earth their tiny bath room had had at least a door. “Hell you have seen me bathing in a bath tub. Or are you getting squeamish?” she’d tried to lighten the situation.

“Squeamish? No.” He’d angled a wash cloth out of it, eying it closely, then her. “Just tell me when you need a back rub.”

She’d punched his arm in response and they’d both laughed. It hadn’t changed the awkwardness though.

 

Most of the time they didn’t get into each other’s way in the alcove. Repairs, prolonged and irregular shifts had them working all over the ship so that they stumbled over each other only at senior staff meetings or command related discussions in the ready room. But what had gotten her the most had been the few hours in the nights, when their resting time had overlapped. When she’d woken up and had found him returned, unnoticed by her, already asleep, his deep and regular breathing soothing her churned up soul more than she ever wanted to admit. Or, when she’d stood up one morning and the sight of his tousled sleeping form, more extremities hanging out of the far too small bed than in it, had made her almost laugh out loud.

Sharing their alcove hadn’t left them unaffected, had subtly changed the little, unimportant things of their everyday life. Despite the circumstances their interactions had become easier again, nurturing their starved friendship, revitalizing their strained command relationship. She’d underestimated the impact of these subtle things on their crew, until the day someone had put a sign on their door.

On this day, she'd almost dozed off on the repair reports in her ready room’s chair.

Chakotay hadn’t even looked up from his PADD, but she’d known from his frown that he’d noticed. After a minute, where she’d tried to focus herself again into the data, he’d laid his PADD down in his lap and had stared at her, his voice eerily calm. “Either you go to bed yourself, Kathryn, or I’ll drag you there. Your decision.”

She’d stared back. “I’ll put up a big fight, if you’d dare to drag me there.”

“I know,” he’d said and had activated his PADD again.

Standing tiredly up from her chair, she’d growled, “You are a pain in the ass, Chakotay.”

“I know,” he’d replied, amusement in his voice.

When she was about to retreat from the room, Chakotay had looked up from the PADD and had met her view. “By the way, Kathryn. When you go home, don’t be surprised by the sign on our door.”

“Sign?” she’d asked, puzzled.

“The kids are having fun with us. Someone put a sign on our door,” he’d said, already appearing again very engrossed in the report.

“Care to enlighten me on further details of this sign, Chakotay?”

“Ummm…” He’d lifted his view, then had lost the battle against the broad grin spreading across his face. “Well, it reads: ‘Beware. Command Alcove.’ I was tempted to add: ‘Vicious Captain’.”

She’d crossed her hands over her chest, feeling a laugh bubble in her chest. “Cautious, Commander. Dangerous territory. Very dangerous.”

“I knew you would agree about the vicious Captain.”

That had earned the cheeky bastard another punch in his arm.

Come to think of it, she was punching her first officer quite a lot recently. She had missed it and thoroughly enjoyed it of being able to do it again. She’d also never anticipated that she would kind of enjoy retreating to this small place which was theirs. It felt suspiciously like home. The ‘Beware. Command Alcove’ sign was hanging lopsided at their door, but it still brought her to laugh inwardly when she saw it. Closing the door behind her, she shrugged off her uniform and refreshed herself with the utensils from the hygiene pack, before she yawned and slipped into her pajamas.

Sleep captured her immediately, thwarting her with visions of _Voyager_ drifting in cold space, the hull ripped open, all life gone. She felt the cold fear creeping into her, felt it grip her soul, freezing it like the ice planets nearby. Suddenly, the warmth returned, somehow, together with the feeling of being covered. Part of her slowly re-awakening brain registered that she must have tossed of her blanket away in her restless sleep. Sighing she snuggled into the cozy cover and let herself succumb again to slumber. This time deep and nurturing.

 

=^=

 

“Looks like at least the repairs are progressing nicely,” Chakotay said with his hip leaning against the ready room’s desk, as he screened through B’Elanna’s report.

“Yes, at least one thing going according to plan.” Sighing, Kathryn poured herself a cup of water, and taking a sip, she let her gaze wander through the room. They had only found the time to clear up the worst. The rest needed to wait. Including the debris on the floor.

Looking up from the report, he sent her a questioning glance. “Problems with the slip-stream?”

She grimaced. “It’s probably easier to get Tuvok dancing than to integrate the device for the second time into our systems. There was a reason why we removed it the first time.”

“That was foreseeable, wasn’t it?” He returned the PADD to the staple on her desk and took another one.

She cast a quick look on it, inwardly groaning. “That’s the supply list. Or the lack thereof.”

He heaved a sigh. “I take it that the situation has not improved since the last time.”

“Unless you have changed to the magic department, no.”

Returning it unread, he shook his head, his voice tired. “It’s a fine line we walk this time.”

She studied him in the dim light of the ready room. Unshaved, the uniform hanging loosely, a haunted expression in his features. “What’s wrong, Chakotay?”

He run his fingers through his hair, then met her eyes. “I don’t know, Kathryn. Just call it a bad foreboding. But it could be very well the exhaustion.”

Softly squeezing his arm, she nodded towards the couch. “Ten minutes, Commander. I’ll wake you.”

He shifted uneasily. “Kathryn…”

“I’ve had to use it more often than to my liking. And you do look like you are in desperate need of a short nap. I could make it an order, though, if it makes you feel better.”

A small amused sparkle lit his eyes. “Not necessary. I’ll just collapse and that’s it. Although, if you don’t wake me up after ten minutes, then you will have to face a very pissed First Officer.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Can’t have that, can we?”

True to his words, he simply collapsed on the couch and was probably already deeply asleep before his head touched the pillow. Shaking her head she decided that she would cope easily with a pissed first officer. He desperately needed the sleep. Snatching her chair, she slumped on it and turned on the monitor, calling up Arturis‘ slip stream schematics. With her head propped on her hand, she studied the technical data, skimmed through all earlier reports from the time when they’d first made use of it. There must be something which had eluded their attention.

Out of the nowhere, the ship jolted fiercely, the momentum threw her hard against the desk and pressed any air of her lungs. A loud thud and a simultaneous ‘damn it!’, told her that Chakotay wasn’t on the couch anymore. Everything went instantaneously pitch black.

She was on her feet again, tapping her comm badge, before she was able to formulate a coherent thought. “Janeway to the bridge, report!”

No answer.

“Janeway to Tuvok, do you read me?”

No answer either.

She clenched her jaw. “Damn.”

Chakotay’s footsteps moved through the room. “The door isn’t opening either. Where do you have the emergency torches?”

“Wait.” Cautiously she turned around and took a few tentative steps towards the desk in her back. The debris below her feet gnashed with every step. The desks’s panel felt cool and comforting under her fingers, and fumbling around in the dark, she searched for the lower drawer. It was blocked. “Shit!” she cursed as something sharp cut her palm.

“You’re alright?,” he asked immediately, his voice full of concern.

“Cut myself. Nothing serious.” she answered between gritted teeth, already feeling the blood dripping out of the wound. Pulling again at the drawer it finally opened. Her fingers clasped around two of the small emergency torches. “Found them.”

The light spread through the room, illuminating his worried features. She handed over the second torch to him.

“Let’s get to the bridge,” she grimaced and headed towards the door, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. This was not good. Not good at all.

Together, they forced the door apart, Chakotay’s eyes narrowing as he saw the blood on her hand. They both knew that there was no time for that. Climbing through the small space, she entered the drastically understaffed bridge, which was only barely illuminated with a few flickering lights.

“Status!” she barked into the silence, passing Tuvok’s empty station, quickly surveying the situation. With Samantha Wildman at the science station and Walter Baxter at the ops together with her and Chakotay, they were only four people.

“Something caused a concerted ship wide shut down, we are currently running on emergency mode. Communications are down too,” replied Sam, frantically keying commands into her seemingly non-responsive console.

Kathryn cast a short glance towards Chakotay. This was bad. Really bad.

“Lieutenant Baxter, get the communication running as fast as possible,” she ordered through clenched teeth.

“I am on it already,” replied the younger man without even looking at her, his distress evident.

Nodding to her subtly to take over the engineering station, Chakotay strode towards their shared console and pulled it up. “There’s a considerable power drainage on deck 11,” he remarked.

Kathryn activated the engineering station. At least something was responding. “I might be able to re-route the-” She was interrupted by the sudden ramp up of the systems, turning the bridge into a bright light again. Leaving the station, she rushed to her seat and activated the monitor, feeling her blood draining out her face at the incoming damage reports. “Whatever this was, Chakotay, this throws us back considerably.”

The swishing of the turbolift’s door announced the arrival of the rest of the bridge crew, who one by one manned their stations.

“Communication is online again,” informed Baxter.

She met Chakotay’s worried glance. He tapped his comm badge. “Bridge to engineering. What the hell is going on down there?”

 _“B’Elanna here.”_ Her voice was hoarse, she seemed to be having difficulty with breathing. _“There was a huge explosion near section 32, which affected the main power systems and a considerable amount of ODN conduits. Several people were hit and are now being transported to sickbay.”_ She coughed. _“We were able to reroute the auxiliary power, however, we are still battling down a smoldering fire.”_

Chakotay’s jaw clenched. Kathryn took over. “Any idea what had caused the explosion?”

 _“I am sorry, not yet,”_ B’Elanna said apologetically.

“Good work, Lieutenant. Keep me updated.”

_“Aye Captain.”_

The line fell silent. Putting her hands on her hips, she stared at the floor, gritting her teeth as she did the math. They’d lost vital energy resources in this explosion. That was evident from the few reports they’d gotten already - and they hadn’t yet received all of them. Nothing in this damn quadrant was ever going to be easy, wasn’t it? Chakotay stepped beside her, his hand warm on her shoulder. “Captain?”

She lifted her chin. “We need to cut energy usage further.”

The look in his eyes reflected her own helpless thoughts. Wherever from?

“Incoming report from sickbay,” announced Samantha. “Three wounded and-” she stopped abruptly, a choked sound escaping her.

Kathryn’s blood froze. Oh god, no, not again. Please, not again. She swallowed. “Sam?”

Sam looked up from her readings, the expression on her facing confirming Kathryn’s worst fear. “… and one fatality,” she whispered, her voice clouded with grief.

Kathryn’s stomach churned, a cold sweat broke out in her palms. “Who?”

Bracing herself against the console, Sam exhaled a shuddering breath. “Mike Ayala.”

She didn’t need to see Chakotay to perceive his pain. She felt it in his hand, which still lay on her shoulder, his fingers digging painfully into her flesh. Felt it radiating from his body in sickening waves, gripping her own very being with a numbness which carried the cold harshness of death with it. Without looking at him she reached for him, sending him all the strength and comfort she could come up with through the touch.

There was no time for grief right now. They both knew it. Everyone knew it. They needed to find out first what had happened, needed to make sure that they were out of danger. Grief would hunt them down soon enough, later, when the day’s pace become lower, when their fight for survival paused for a moment.

Straightening, she bit her lip until she felt blood. Swallowed down its metallic taste. And then she heard herself issuing the orders, which had to be ordered. As if she was a stranger standing on her own ship, she watched herself and Chakotay separating, walking towards their command seats, pulling up the data, giving the next set of orders. Orders which were obeyed as automatic as they were given, making sure of Voyager’s survival.

Mike was dead.

They had to focus.

All of them.

=^=

 

Hours later the turbolift’s door closed behind them. She felt the motion below her feet, sensed Chakotay beside her, stiff and silent, his arms hanging loosely at his sides, his fingers clenched to fists, his expression proof of the heavy lid on his emotions that prevented him from breaking down in front of the crew. She knew from experience that her own face looked pretty much the same.

“Computer, halt turbolift.” It was her voice that’d said that. Disembodied. One of the many symptoms of shock she’d come across in the past several years.

He turned towards her, his features telling him that he already knew what she was about to suggest.

“We’ve got a few minutes,” she said strained.

His eyes bore into hers. They’d mourned before. Sometimes together, sometimes alone. Over the years she’d heard him cry next door, as she knew he’d heard her. But they’d never broken down in front of one another, not like she sensed they were about to do. Without the privacy of their quarters, without any private place left on the ship, only this place remained. These very few minutes before they had to leave the lift again as _Voyager_ ’s command team and to face the inevitable in sickbay.

With his jaw clenched, Chakotay slowly nodded.

Facing away, he braced himself with his arms against the turbolift’s wall, his head hanging, his breaths shuddering.

Her collar, too tight, no strength left in her fingers as she fumbled at it. Mike. Dead. Her knees gave away, a strangled sound escaped her as she sank to the floor, her fingernails painfully digging into her palms.

An anguished cry of pain pierced the agonizing silence.

It was Chakotay’s. It could have very well been hers.

Another crew member lost. Another friend, who didn’t make it. When would it ever end? When?

Time was beyond her reach as she let the tears flow. When she finally rose, meeting Chakotay’s tormented features, his eyes red from crying, she knew they were past the few minutes. She didn’t care. Wiping her face with her sleeve, she lifted her gaze to study him. He’d just lost one of his best friends. She needed to be strong. If not for the crew, then for him. Wordless, she reached for him and engulfed him into a hug, softly, offering him all the strength, all the safety she could come up with. He gave into the embrace without hesitation. Leaned on her, hid his face into the crook of her neck, silently weeping.

“Thank you for being here for me,” he finally whispered into her hair.

She gently stroke his back. “Any time. You know that, don‘t you?”

He didn’t respond immediately, instead he tightened the embrace before he slowly pulled her away, his thumb stroking her shoulder. “Yes. You know that this holds true tor the other way around, too.”

Laying her hand on his chest, she smiled wearily. “Yes.”

He pressed his lips together. “We need to go.”

She nodded, fatigued. “Ready?”

“No. But we have no choice.” Straightening, he stared at the lift’s door. “Computer, resume turbolift.”

 

 

=^=

 

 

Many hours later and with heavy steps they returned to the safety of their alcove, aware of the daunted mood surrounding them, the muffled sobs, Dalby weeping in the alcove next to them. Kathryn stared at the floor, numb, her heart icy, her throat aching, her body shivery.

Beside her Chakotay shrugged of his jacket, his movements sluggish. Seating himself on his bed, he buried his face in his hands, quiet sobs escaping him.

Wrapping her arms around her body, she paced the small room, unable to get the image of Ayala’s distorted body laying in sickbay out of her mind. Life would continue. They had to continue, had to push back the hurt, the grief until there was a place for it. Drained, she sat beside Chakotay, the warmth of his body the only warmth she was able to feel.

For a long time she stared at the opposite wall, her voice barely more than a whisper when she finally found the strength to speak again. "In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself astray in a dark wood where the straight road had been lost."

Lifting his head, he sent her a questioning look, his eyes swollen, red.

Averting her view, she looked at the book below her bed she’d quoted from. Dante’s Inferno. How fitting that the only person she’d ever lent Mark’s engagement gift to, was sitting beside her. Without giving it a further thought, she put her arm around his shoulders and tugged him closer. Hesitantly, his arm snaked along her lower back.

 Life would go on. THEY had to go on. There was no other choice.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 3**

 

 

B’Elanna gritted her teeth. “It’s not working.”

Kathryn stared at the data before her. The simulation’s outcome was evident. “Too little energy reaches the deflector shields. The question is why.”

 Together they skimmed through the analysis, their heads jolting up simultaneously as a read-out popped before them. “The ODN conduits!” they cried out in unison.

 The engineer hit her fist on the console, a Klingon curse accompanying the thud. Kathryn was too tired to flinch. “It’s the nebula affecting the systems. I am sure, that’s what’s wreaking havoc on everything.”

 With one hand on her hip, Kathryn massaged her neck. “I fear you are right. And I don’t like it at all.” The rest she left unspoken. They both knew that, if their hypothesis was true, they either had to compensate for the nebula’s interference with the ship or they had to immediately leave their shelter. With the deflector dish not working, going to warp was not safe, nor was making use of the slip-stream possible.

Beside her, B’Elanna shifted. “We have to track down the problem or we risk a system-wide break-down before we can even give the slip-stream a try.”

Kathryn’s gaze scanned her assembled crew. B’Elanna, Joe Carey, Vorik, Marla Gilmore, Kenneth Dalby, the Delaney twins. Deflated, exhausted, dirty. She sighed inwardly. Crew morale was sinking with each day and she had no idea how to uplift it again.

 Marla glanced at Kathryn, insecurity written all over her face. “Captain, it looks like it is mainly affecting the conduits in the deflector area.” The young engineer hesitated. “May I suggest some of us go and give it a closer look. Maybe it’s possible to compensate locally.”

 Kathryn nodded. “Let’s do it.  Marla, Dalby, you’re with me. The rest will continue implementing the slip stream drive into the system.”

 

=^=

 

“Captain, I am reading very small amounts of an unknown photoactive compound,” Marla said as they entered the deflector control room and she started slowly scanning along the room’s wall. “It’s only a little above detection limits, but it appears to leak out from these fractures here.”

Kathryn scanned over the leak. “Whatever it is, it’s seems to be harmless for humans.”

Kneeling beside Kathryn and scanning the affected area, Dalby typed a few commands into his tricorder. “Whatever it is - it’s corroding the ODN conduits. This one here is far too fragile for my taste. Activating the deflector might very well burn out the whole system.”

Crossing her arms over her chest, Kathryn stared at the floor. This was not good news. A photoactive compound corroding their optical data network. Dangerous might be a stellar understatement. “Agreed. Any suggestions?”

Marla’s tense body language confirmed her worry. “We should find the reason why it‘s leaking into the system as fast as possible. Getting rid of the fractures in the conduits, then reinforcing each one.” The younger woman bit her lip. “I hope it is only a localised phenomenon or we are in big trouble.”

Kathryn blew out a breath.“That was the answer I dreaded. You all know what this means.”

Dalby grimaced. “That I’d better pitch my camp down here.”

Lowering her tricorder, Kathryn  studied her companions. “Seems like I’m going to keep you company for a little longer.”

Sighing, Marla run her hand through her hair. “Me too.”

“Well, looks like we don’t have a choice on this.” Kathryn tapped her comm badge, “Janeway to Chakotay.”

_”Chakotay here. What can I do for you, Captain?”_

_“_ We’ve troubles with the ODN conduits in the deflector control room. It seems something from the nebula is affecting them. Whatever it is, it might have caused the latest explosions.”

_“Shit!”_

She rubbed her neck. “Exactly my thoughts, Commander. Kenneth, Marla and I will work on this issue. Can you check if it is possible to withdraw Seven, Harry and Tuvok from their tasks and to reinforce B’Elanna in engineering?”

Chakotay heaved a tired sigh. _“I’ll see to it. What about the navigational deflectors? Maybe they could serve as a back-up?”_

“Good idea. Have Seven check this.”

A short silence developed between them. _“Kathryn,”_ the tone of his voice had changed subtly, _”when was the last time you ate something or had a nap?”_

She pinched the bridge of her nose, painfully aware of the amused exchange Dalby and Marla shared. “I suppose any answer I’ll give you now will be not to your taste, Chakotay. Could we leave it at that?”

She could almost hear his teeth gritting over the comm. _”Kenneth, I’ll send you some food down there. Can you make sure she’ll eat it? And that she eventually catches some sleep?”_

Standing attention, Dalby grinned. “Sure, boss.”

Kathryn put her hands on her hips. “’She’ has heard you, Commander, and is not pleased at all.”

 _”Then tell her,“_ he said, definitely peeved, _“that ’she’ forces me to play dirty. Chakotay out.”_

With a barely suppressed grin, Marla intensely studied the tips of her shoes, her body suspiciously shaking. Also Dalby’s pale face barely concealed his amusement.

Clearing her throat, Kathryn opened her tricorder again. “Mr. Dalby. I am sure you know your priorities.”

He didn’t reply.

Looking up from the tricorder, she narrowed her eyes. He was definitely stifling a laugh. Great. “Mr. Dalby?”

“Captain,” he hesitated, visibly having trouble staying serious. “I sincerely apologize. The worst thing that happens from you, assuming I follow Chakotay’s orders, is that you’ll send me out the airlock. That’s quick and short. On the other hand, disobeying Chakotay - especially on this issue - is another thing. One never can be sure with him if he’ll choose to hunt you down even in the afterlife. So, honestly, I prefer to be thrown out the airlock.”

She shook her head in amusement. Expertly bamboozled by two Maquis. She was going to have a serious talk with Chakotay. “We can’t have you risking your afterlife, Kenneth, can we?”

Averting his eyes, Dalby grinned at his shoes. “Thank you, Captain, I appreciate your understanding.”

With a smile still plastered on her face, Kathryn started scanning one of the conduits. “The compound is leaking in here. We need to make sure to close the entry. Nevertheless, according to the readings there must be more than this one.”

 

 

=^=

 

They’d lost track of time. Too many fractures, too few tired hands trying to repair them.

Marla groaned. “Found another fracture.”

“Give us a minute, we’re almost done with this one,” said Dalby.

Soft steps, steps Kathryn would have recognized anywhere in the galaxy, announced the arrival of a newcomer before he came into sight with a tray in his hands, piled with water bottles, rations and blankets.

“Room service has arrived,” Chakotay said dryly.

Wiping her hands on her trousers, she smiled at him, a cheeky remark already on her lips, but she swallowed her words as she saw the expression on his eyes, the harsh lines around his mouth.

“Chakotay, what happened?”

If possible, his face darkened even more. “Nicoletti will most probably loose her left leg.”

Averting her gaze, she closed her eyes for a moment. “Shit.”

“At least she’ll survive.” He handed her the tray.

Putting the tray beside her on the floor, she stood again and studied him closely, her heart sinking with every beat. He was on the verge of breaking down and she had behaved like a total moron instead of acknowledging his concern for her well-being. Ignoring the two other people, she laid her hand on her chest. Gentle. “When was the last time, _you_ slept Chakotay?”

A fatigued smile played on the edge of his mouth. “You won’t like the answer either.”

She shook her head softly. “Go to bed, Chakotay. And please don’t have me make it an order.”

For a heartbeat his eyes locked with her, then he nodded slowly. “Aye, Captain.”

Her gaze was on him when he exited the room. “Dalby?”

The engineer stepped besides her, watching his former Captain drag himself along the corridor. “I’ll make sure he catches some sleep.”

She squeezed his arm. “Thank you, Kenneth.”

Dalby looked at her. “But only if you’ll do the same soon.”

He left the room, grinning, despite her raised eyebrow.

With a sigh, she sat down and reached for one ration bar. Marla joined her, and leaning at the bulkhead, they both stretched their feet. In companionable silence they nibbled at their meager meal.

The tricorder beside them beeped. Frowning, Kathryn reached for it.

Marla peeked over her shoulder. “I don’t like these readings.”

“Neither do I,” Kathryn replied, and standing up with a foreboding gripping her gut, she started scanning their surroundings

“Any idea, where the power is building up?”

“Not yet,” she said, her mouth dry, her fingers trembling. “Wherever it is, it is building up fast.” Too fast. She stopped. Blood drained out of her face. God not there, not in this heavily trafficked area. Before her mind responded, she found herself already running, hitting her comm badge.  “Janeway to all hands, immediately evacuate Deck 11, section 4, repeat, immediately evacuate sec-”

A huge explosion threw her against the bulkhead, Marla’s cry of pain behind her piercing through the thunder. Jumping to her feet again, she searched for the young engineer, who was already standing, holding her shoulder, her face distorted in a grimace. Without a further word the two women dashed along the corridor. The one Kenneth and Chakotay had taken only minutes before. The very one which led directly to the area in question, directly bordering engineering. And the slip-stream device. Acrid air met her before the heat clashed against them like a solid wall. Tongues of fire lashed out of a hole ripped into the bulkhead, debris laying everywhere.

Time halted as she saw Chakotay’s unconscious form laying on the floor, burns all over his body, Vorik kneeling beside him, his fingers on the pulse of his neck. As if he’d sensed her in the hellish turmoil, the Vulcan lifted his head and locked eyes with her, an invisible force intruding her mind. In an instant she knew he was alive, that Vorik would take care of him, had already taken care of others. That the fire threatened to destroy the slip-stream device. Nodding her understanding, she ripped out the plates hiding a fire extinguisher, before the men shimmered away to sickbay. Kathryn raced towards engineering, Marla in her trail, desperately trying to focus on the task at hand. Without slip-stream they all wouldn’t stand a chance.

The heat was almost unbearable as they entered engineering.

“Someone needs to keep the protective shield around the slip-stream going!” yelled B’Elanna.

“I’ll do it!” Kathryn shouted through the chaos.

She met her chief engineer’s eyes across the smoke, relief washing over the younger woman’s face. “Kahless, you’re here. Dalby assist the Captain, Marla if you can walk, we need you here!”

Without a further word, Kathryn sprinted towards the shield generator, which was already showing signs of weakness. Dalby limped to her side, and they both started to frantically key in commands, rerouting power. Sweat dropped from her forehead, ran down her neck. Once the force field stabilized again, they both pivoted on their heels to support the others in their fight against the fire.

Slowly the smoke, the heat, which made it almost impossible to breathe, subsided from the room and the subsequent corridors as they finally battled down the last flames. Ghostly silence spread through engineering, the occasional cracking from cooling materials the only audible sound. Completely drained, Kathryn leaned against a console, not feeling any better than the other people in the room looked. Dirty, sweaty, wounded, shaking, heavily breathing.

“We did it.” Joe Carey’s shaky voice finally broke the silence. Someone sobbed.

Kathryn felt all eyes upon her. Straightening, she tapped her comm badge, her voice wavering, her heart dreading what she was about to hear. “Janeway to the Bridge, status.”

A few moments of silence. _“You have no idea how glad we are to hear your voice, Captain,”_ came Sam’s trembling voice over the comm.

Kathryn’s heart sank. Sam wasn’t supposed to be the one on charge. She could see her own dismay reflected on the faces of her fellows. “Sam?”

The woman hesitated. _“It was quite a severe blow. Damage reports are still incoming. We’ve got power failures on several decks and we’ve lost structural integrity on parts of deck eleven. Several ODN conduits were blown. We’ve got thirteen wounded, four of them critically. Harry and Seven were on their way to engineering when the incident happened and were trapped in the turbolift. They should arrive in engineering soon. Commander Tuvok is currently in sickbay due to a severe head wound.”_

On seeing the horror on her crew’s faces, she stopped the young woman short. “Thank you, Sam. Keep me updated.”

Gnawing on her under lip, she stared at the floor. Both, her second and third in command incapacitated, if not critically wounded. Ayala dead who usually replaced Tuvok. Engineering a mess. Her head raced. She had to set priorities. Fast.

Footsteps crushing the debris announced Seven’s and Harry’s arrival. Both were pale.

Kathryn straightened, gritted her teeth. “I’ll require both an acting first and an acting second officer. However, all personnel capable of doing repairs are needed down here. We’ll have to improvise. B’Elanna, although you would be my next choice for taking over, we badly need you in engineering.”

The Klingon nodded tiredly. “Makes sense.”

“Seven,” she turned to the young Borg, so fragile, her hair disheveled, a long cut bleeding cut along the skin of her pale face.

“Captain?”

“I need you take over my work on the deflector dish. Take Marla and Kenneth with you, they’ll fill you in the details. I’ll relieve you in a few hours so that you can finally regenerate. You are long overdue.”

Seven inclined her head. “Acknowledged.”

“Harry, assist B’Elanna with the repairs and the slip-stream as planned.”

“Aye Captain,” he said quietly.

With almost all of her senior staff either disposed or needed elsewhere, so many people injured, she internally screened the list of her remaining crew. Well, improvisation was the motto of the day, rank was of secondary relevance. She needed people who had the competence. Kathryn tapped her comm badge. “Janeway to Wildman.”

_“Wildman here.”_

“Until further notice you are acting first officer.”

Sam’s shock was apparent even over the comm. _“Captain?”_

Kathryn swallowed, hating what she had to say. “Chakotay is in sickbay and from what I saw badly injured. You’ll have to take over. Meet me in my ready room in 10 minutes.”

The other woman’s voice was strained. _“Understood.”_

Closing the line, she took a deep breath and tapped the comm badge again. “Janeway to Henley.”

 _“Henley here.”_ Mariah sounded as if she had been just ripped out of sleep.

“Mariah are you uninjured?”

_“Yes, Captain, I am fine, but I heard that-”_

“I need you to take over as my third officer until Tuvok is capable again.”

" _What? Wwwwait, Captain!,”_ she cried out, her panic evident.

“You’ve been trained in the command track, Mariah, you’ll be able to do it. I’ll need you to be in my ready room in about 10 minutes. Janeway out.”

 Exhaling slowly, she mustered her crew. Despite the dire situation, some appeared to be slightly amused. She couldn’t blame them for that, hell, even she had to stifle a smile at the reaction of the two women. “Alright, let’s get this ship on track again.”

Kathryn was almost out of the door, when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. “Captain?”

She stopped and turned around. “Yes, Mr. Dalby.”

“Mariah will do fine. I promise,” he said.

Almost seven years they’d been on her ship, and still …“I know,” she replied firmly, “And now it’s on her to find that out.”

He swallowed. “Thank you.”

“No thanks required. You’ve all proven to be more than capable. I sincerely regret that I am not in the position to promote you as you deserve.”

Shaking his head slightly as if to get rid of his disbelief, he studied her with serene eyes. “No wonder he loves you,” he finally stated softly, before he limped away to his fellows, leaving her stunned.

Inhaling deeply she forced herself to walk to the turbo-lift, forced herself to focus on the tasks at hand, forced herself to not think about what Dalby just had told her. She needed to know who was wounded, who would be able to pull shifts again. She needed the damage reports from Sam and to get everything organized. Then relieve Seven. The young woman’s regeneration cycle was dangerously long overdue.

When the turbolift closed behind her, she tapped her comm badge again. The one call she’d been avoiding, she’d been dreading. “Janeway to sickbay.”

The EMHs warm voice filled the room. _“Sickbay here. I was expecting your call. We have several critically injured, but they all will survive.”_

Her shoulders sagged in relief. “I am glad to hear. Medical supplies?“

 _„Running dangerously low, as you might suspect,“_ he sighed. _„We are barely covering the critically injured. We even had to cut down pain medication to a minimum. The lack of medically trained personnel is another issue. We have to rely on anybody who is not needed in engineering to cope with the situation. Also sickbay’s limited capacity is an issue. We are currently forced to send the less critical injured crewmembers to their respective alcoves and to receive there – if possible – at least a basic treatment by one of the volunteers.“_

Groaning, she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. Things got worse and worse. “Darn. How is…” her voice broke.

The doctor understood her nevertheless. _“Commander Chakotay has several injuries and burns in addition to a concussion, but will have to wait for an initial treatment until others are stabilized,”_ he explained gently. _“Commander Tuvok will need to rest for at least 36 hours before he will be able to get back on duty. I’ll keep you updated. The rest will be in my report.”_

“Thank you, Doctor.”

_Please don’t forget to get some rest and food.”_

She almost laughed. “I will. Promised.”

Dragging herself out of the turbo-lift, she nodded towards Sam as she entered the bridge, a nervous looking Mariah already waiting before her ready room. Somehow she would find the strength to get through this meeting too - even if it was only at the prospect of collapsing afterwards on her ready room’s couch and getting a couple of hours sleep before she relieved Seven from her shift.

  

=^=

  

The few hours of sleep had merely been a drop in the bucket. With weary steps she entered the Deflector Control Room, quickly overviewing her surroundings. Seven was scanning along a conduit, which she only interrupted with a short “Captain.”, while Marla and Dalby briefly nodded their greetings, before they delved deeper again into the interiors of a console. She, too, glanced into it.

Sighing, Marla rubbed her face. “It appears that the relays in here were also affected. We need to replace the damaged ones and then test the systems one by one.”

“Okay,” Kathryn sighed, too, and straightened herself again, sending the young Borg a questioning glance. “How about the fractures?”

“There are two more left,” the young woman replied tiredly, the hand with her tricorder slightly shaking.

“Go and regenerate. I’ll take over,” Kathryn said softly.

Seven nodded. “Thank you, Captain.”

While the young woman dragged herself out of the room, she eyed her other two crewmembers closely. They looked awful. “When was the last time you both got some rest?”

Standing up with apparent difficulty, Dalby sent her a weary smile. “While someone regenerated my ankle. I must have flagged out immediately, since I seem to be unable remembering who it was. I arrived only minutes before you.”

Marla knelt back on her heels. “I stayed here with Seven.”

Kathryn cocked her eyebrow, and walking towards the young engineer, she reached for her tools. “I see, Marla. I will replace the relays, and then please have a nap after you and Dalby closed the fractures.”

“Aye, Captain.”

In silence they continued their work, speaking only the mere essentials.

 _“Sickbay to Janeway.”_ Tom’s voice sounded strained.

Ducking out under the console and wiping her forehead with her sleeve, she raised herself, inwardly cursing as a sharp pain shot through her back. These days no news from sickbay were good news. Fear gripped her heart. She tapped her comm badge. “Go ahead.”

Tom hesitated. _“Captain, if you could spare the time … could you please come to sickbay?”_

Meeting Dalby’s and Marla’s worried looks over the console, she swallowed, the heavy foreboding becoming even more dense. “I am on my way.”

The walk to sickbay felt like an eternity. With a lump in her throat, she stepped into the infirmary which in its crammed state was dire proof of _Voyager_ ’s current limited capacity to deal with several major strikes in a row. In its midst the EMH and Tom were performing a surgery on a small, female form. Pained moaning and the soft beeping of the instruments constantly intruded the oppressive silence.

As they became aware of her presence, both men shared a quick and meaningful look with each other. Shrugging off the surgery suit and reaching for the disinfectants, Tom took a few steps in her direction, a tired smile playing on his lips. He looked as if he was barely able to stand upright. “Glad you were able to come so quickly, Captain. It’s about Chakotay,” he said without further ceremony. “Apart from an initial superficial treatment including the unfortunately insufficient pain medication we were able to spare for him, we have not been able to help him yet, since there were some unexpected complications with two crewmen. We had to send him - and others - to his alcove due to the limited capacity in sickbay. Tal is currently treating his wounds.”

She watched him carefully, trying to gauge him, past his exhaustion, past her own exhaustion. An uncomfortable knot formed in her gut. “Why exactly did you call me, Tom?”

Biting his lip, he shifted from one foot to another. “Because … it’s complicated,” he finally said and directed her into the privateness of the Doctor’s office, discomfort written all over his face. He sighed heavily. “Chakotay has got scratches and burns all over the left side of his body and a bad concussion. His wounds need to be treated rapidly or he’ll risk a nasty infection. The severity of the concussion makes it necessary that he moves as little as possible in the next hours. Therefore he can’t do the treatment by himself. I guess by now Tal has managed to treat many of his injuries.”

Uneasiness crept into her spine. “But?”

Wearily rubbing over his face, Tom fixed her with a piercing look. “The injuries stretch over his lower abdomen and inner thigh, also his hip.”

Staring at the floor, she clenched her jaw, dreading what she was about to hear, but already painfully aware where he was heading. “I see.”

“Tal isn’t a trained medic. I don’t want to ask her to handle that.“ Sighing, he watched her carefully. „So now, tell me, who of his remaining close friends I am to send to relieve Tal and continue on his wounds? B’Elanna? Dalby? The Captain? Who will be able to get him through this and support him in the fragile state we are currently all in?”

She drew a few shaky breaths to steady herself.

“Who will I send?” he asked, his voice gentle as if not to shy her away.

There was no real other choice, and she knew it. He knew it. She looked at him squarely, the pulse in her throat beating hard. “Send the Captain.”

His features softened. “I hoped it would be her.”

 

=^=

 

Tom hadn’t exaggerated about Chakotay’s injuries. Although Tal evidently had made progress in regenerating the tissues, a considerable part of his wounds were still untreated. When she entered the alcove, he laid on his side, his eyes closed, his features pale and distorted in pain. His shirt, partially torn, partially lifted to give Tal access to his wounds, only covered a small part of his upper body. His trousers were shredded and hung loosely from his body, revealing parts of his naked buttocks, still muscular despite all the ordeal they’d been through. Red angry glowing skin, proof of Tal’s successful work, spanned over taut muscles on his flank, his arm, his leg.

Tal’s hands were trembling as she worked with the regenerator over his side, obviously nervous to touch him at all, his half-bare butt certainly not alleviating the circumstances. The tense and stress of the uncomfortable situation was almost palpable.

Quickly surveying the areas she was supposed to treat, Kathryn felt her pulse quicken. Things were definitely going to be awkward. As far as she could see, there was probably no way around of getting rid of his trousers, or touching him in intimate areas as Tom had indicated. She sighed inwardly. It was probably best to keep it as simple and straight forward as possible.

Tal lifted her chin, utter relief spreading over her face. “Captain.”

Chakotay opened his eyes, the same relief she’d seen on Tal’s face mirrored in them.

Kathryn stepped forwards, touched his ankle. “How are you doing, Chakotay?”

He pressed his lips together. “It could be worse.”

“I am very sorry of not being able to bring a pain reliever with me.”

“It’s okay. I am coping …,” Chakotay murmured, pain clouding his voice.

Kathryn took a deep breath. It made no sense to prolong the inevitable. “You are needed in sickbay, Crewman. I’ll take over. Tom instructed me how to proceed with the Commander’s injuries.”

“Aye Captain.” The younger woman was on her feet and out of the alcove at almost lightning speed.

Their eyes met.

“Thank you,” he said quietly. “I was afraid that Tal would injure herself with the regenerator. There …” He paused, took a deep breath. “There are probably some delicate places to treat … so she was a bit jumpy.”

“I noticed,” she gulped, her mouth feeling dry. “Would you … feel more comfortable with someone else?”

“No, Kathryn, I am glad it’s you.” He closed his eyes. “You’ve seen me at my worst already. And you know I trust you with my life.“

Softly she squeezed his upper arm. “Alright then,” she said gently and reached for the regenerator. Taking a deep breath she decided to do it quickly and efficiently, in a professional way, so that he wouldn’t suffer longer than necessary. Kneeling down beside his bed, the proximity of his naked skin, his more or less naked butt below her hands put things quickly into perspective. She inwardly cursed. How on earth was she supposed to do this without causing a stellar humiliation between them? They had to get it over with. Fast.

“Chakotay, promise to tell me, when it gets uncomfortable or if I hurt you too much in any way.”

He didn’t answer. Evidently it was already uncomfortable for him. She couldn’t blame him for that, nor her heart that ached seeing him distressed like this. Activating the regenerator with a sigh, she continued Tal’s work, forcing herself to focus at the task before her, trying to cause him as little pain as possible, trying to touch him as cautiously as she was able to. As the minutes slowly crawled by and the scratches and burns on his belly and rear end started to heal, she felt him finally relax under her hands as the pain obviously had decreased considerably.

Eventually she sat back on her heels and tried to gauge the remaining wounds on his abdomen and his inner thigh which showed below the torn fabric of his trousers. Heat crept up her neck as she she became aware how near to his genitals the injuries were most probably reaching. Rubbing her face, she cursed silently.

“What is it, Kathryn?” he asked, seeking her eyes, nervousness vibrating in his voice.

She cleared her throat. “Your upper body is treated, that leaves-”

“I see,” he said, tightly.

She took a deep breath. “We have to get rid of the charred fabric of your trousers, before I can treat the tissue. I’m afraid, this is going to hurt considerably. On the bright side, only a few wounds are left to treat then.”

Clenching his jaw, he nodded.

She bit her lip, seeing in his eyes that he exactly knew, what she was about to say. “You will eventually need to give me access to your inner thigh. I will try to touch you as little as possible, but it’s probably unavoidable that …”

“I know,” he interrupted her, his distress evident. “Could we just please get it over?”

Without further words, she reached for the shreds of his waistband, cautiously trying to detach it from his wounds. He flinched, his fists clinched, a pained sound escaped him. She halted in her movements.

“Go on,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’ll cope.”

Nodding, she continued her work, tears filling her eyes when his face twisted in pain, the tendons in his neck standing out as she had to lift away piece by piece of fabric from his skin.

“It’s over, Chakotay.” Her voice trembled, like her sweaty fingers, like his body when she finally detached the last part of his trousers, leaving him naked, exposed.

“Thank heaven.” He let out a shuddering sob. “Thank heaven.”

“Water?” she asked, standing up, thankfully to have found herself something to get a pause, to compose herself again.

“Yes, please.”

Fetching a glass from their small desk, she poured water from a pitcher into it and brought the glass to his lips. He drank it almost in one go. “Thank you,” he murmured and closed his eyes. “I’ll need a few moments before we continue.”

“Take your time.” She squeezed his hand, grateful for another delay. Massaging her shoulders, she stared at the floor. God, she was so damn tired. Stretching her neck, her thoughts were drawn into the exhaustion, merged with it. At least the majority of his wounds were already treated and the few ones that were left … well …Her gaze drifted. Oh my, he really was beautiful, despite his injuries. Dark curls graced his penis, laying flat and unerect to the side, his butt’s muscles definitely a promise in itself when one imagined he was grinding into-  With a sharp inhale, she snatched back her eyes to her hands as she became aware what she’d just done. Her face burned. Darn! Had she just been ogling her first officer? Hastily she grabbed the regenerator. They had to get it over with, fast.

“Kathryn?” His voice was strained. “Don’t you tell me you are getting jumpy too.”

Lowering the regenerator, she pinched the bridge of her nose. He’d noticed, of course he had. She felt his eye on her. Damn it, damn it, damn it!

“I don’t want to hurt you physically nor emotionally.” She met his eyes. “Okay?”

“You’re doing neither of it. I … I just apologize if I’ll make an arse of myself and get a-”

“Stop apologizing for something which is out of your control,” she interrupted him unnerved. “Or do you think this-” she waved her hand between them - “is not affecting me at all?”

Stunned silence unfolded in the room. Closing her eyes, she knelt back on her heels, again inwardly cursing as she realized what she just said. So much for keeping things simple in this uncomfortable situation.

“Is it?” he asked quietly.

Damn. What had she done? Exhaustion embraced her like an old familiar blanket. She couldn’t undo it, wouldn’t undo it for the sake of his soul. Yet, it was no option to leave it between them like this. She sighed. “Yes, it is difficult to ignore that you are a very handsome specimen. And yes, it is difficult to ignore that we like each other.”

Desperately trying to reign in the unspoken meaning weaving between them, she clenched her jaw in determination. “Ready?”

He hesitantly nodded, his body visibly tensing.

This couldn’t be worse than the Hirogen, right? Resolutely she started regenerating the burns on his lower abdomen, steadily working inch by inch through thick dark curls almost until the base of his- … Okay, tissues, these were just tissues, weren’t they? She clenched her jaw, desperately trying to ignore her more and more rapidly beating pulse. Nice tissues though, which were stretching little by little beside her as his breathing quickened. She needed to change scenery, yes that‘d do. Touching his left leg, she lifted it with the intention of treating his inner thigh. The change of scenery revealed … another change on the previous scenery … which became even more bumpy than before and in addition included now the pleasing image of soft testicles … which were - by the way - in the way, so to speak. Breathing shallow, Chakotay’s body considerably tensed as her slightly trembling fingers skimmed over the tender skin. Her mouth became dry. Oh heavens, what was she supposed to do?

“It’s alright, Chakotay,” she said through clenched teeth, clinging to the task before her.

He tensed even more.

Looking up, she caught the mortified expression in his eyes before he quickly averted his glance. Sighing, she dropped the regenerator. This was not going to work. Not like this. She needed to do something. To balance them. To deserve the trust and faith he had confided in her. To be able to look into each others eyes without remorse, later, when they stood again on _Voyager_ ’s bridge and life-and-death decisions had to be made. Propping her hands on the bed’s edge, she let her head hang. And suddenly she knew with a clarity carved out by fatigue that she too needed to expose herself to him. Even if it meant mortifying herself. Even if it meant bordering personal territory they’d both avoided for years out of sheer necessity.

Not daring to look at him, she exhaled slowly, trying to will down the rapid thundering of her heart, trying to ignore the turmoil curling in her gut. So be it then.

“Chakotay. Believe me. This is mutual,” she said quietly. Straightening, she lifted her chin and searched for his eyes, “I’d rather keep the evidence for myself, but if you need proof for your peace, Commander, then tell me. There is plenty in my own pants.”

The words lingered in the air before they hit home. He stared at her, surprise, shock, disbelief, amusement washing over his features simultaneously. Shaking his head, he opened his mouth for a response, but closed it again. Tried anew. Failed.

He eventually let out a slow breath.

“You … you’re nuts, Captain,” he finally managed to say, the warmth and tenderness in his voice almost taking her breath away. With apparent great efforts, he reached for her face; his ever so slightly shaking fingers tenderly stroking over her cheek. “You’re so completely nuts,” he whispered, his eyes misty with tears.

Never had she anticipated that they wouldn’t even require a kiss to enter an intimate relationship. Never had she thought that crossing the line would look like this. But she saw the truth in his serene eyes studying her face, felt it in her very being as a strange peace of unreality claimed her, settled within her. They’d crossed the barrier they’d both carefully erected to balance their command relationship. Just like this. Just like it was the most natural thing to do in the universe, taking with it a burden she never knew she carried, evaporating any awkwardness between them.

There was nothing strange as she continued treating his wounds, lightly touching his abdomen, working through curly hair, skimming sensitive areas. The tension in his body was a different one than before as he shifted his leg to give her better access to his inner thigh. There was nothing weird, when she gently moved his testicles to the side, when his body responded to her soft touches. There was nothing awkward as she assisted him in undressing the last bits of his shredded uniform. Nothing unsettling, as she cleaned his naked form with a cloth from dirt and sweat, the evidence of his agitation unhidden, his serene view on her following every movement. Instead, as she cautiously helped him into fresh underwear and uniform, she felt their connection deepen with every moment, like a stone sinking into an abyss yet waiting for the ground to come.

When she undressed and washed herself in the twilight of their small alcove, she knew that even if he couldn’t see the evidence of her own arousal, her scent gave her away. She couldn’t have cared less. Never had she expected that overstepping their self-imposed border would leave their friendship and command relationship unscathed, but would simply add one new layer to what they already were.

Slipping under the cover of her bed, she reached for his hand in the dark. Bridging the space between their beds with their clasped hands, his thumb tenderly stroking her skin, she finally allowed sleep to pour in.

  

=^=

 

Mumbled voices penetrated her sleep and blurred into something unintelligible. Grunting, annoyed, she turned around in her bed, and yawning fiercely, she tucked the blanket over her head. Someone chuckled silently. Opening her eyes and peaking out from under her blanket, she met her first officer’s grin. Sitting on his bench, his hair ruffled, the collar of his uniform lopsided, he watched her waking up.

She felt a blush creeping along her neck.

“Hi there,” he smiled, his view still on her.

Something in his eyes, calm, so peaceful, touched her soul, soothed it. Hell, this was Chakotay. There was nothing to be afraid or to be ashamed of. She relaxed.

“Hi there,” she smiled back, her voice resembling a rasp. “Already up?”

“Sickbay’s calling,” he shrugged and. cautiously standing up, he swayed slightly.

Quickly swinging her feet out of her bed, she gripped his upper arms to steady him. “Easy, Commander, not so fast. How are you?”

“A bit dizzy and still feeling sore, but I am alright, Kathryn.” Slowly lifting his hand, he gently stroked a strain a hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear, his fingertips caressing her skin before he dropped his hand. “I am more than alright.”

A lump formed in her throat at the intimacy of the moment. “I am glad to hear,” she murmured, unable to withdraw from his view. Hesitantly she, too, raised her hands and straightened the collar of his uniform. A teary smile played on the edges of his lips. Swallowing back her inner turmoil, she patted his chest. “Now off you go. The Doctor is waiting.”

The ability to move seemed to have left him. “Aye, Captain,” he finally said and breathed a kiss on her hair.

She watched him step out of the alcove.

Watched him as he walked away, upright, still slightly limping, towards the corridor.

And she knew in this moment that she’d betrayed herself all these years. Two engagements, two passionate and heartfelt relationships she’d thrown herself into, had made her presume that she knew something about dedication and love.

Nothing could have prepared her for the deep quiet love she felt for this man, still, concealed all these years behind their friendship. So quiet that it had been almost buried by their every day life. So deep that now that she recognized it for what it was, she understood that it had bridged their way, _Voyager_ ’s way, over all the troubled waters of the Delta Quadrant.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 4**

 

“Captain’s personal log, Stardate 54773.1. We are hiding now for almost two weeks in the nebula. Its safety is a dire trade-off. What we’ve assumed has become the bitter truth - it’s damaging our systems. At least we know now which systems are affected most and can take precautions. But Mike payed for it. Chakotay almost payed for it.”

Swallowing, she stared out of her ready room’s viewport into the beauty of the nebula. “I don’t know what I would do if it had been him, instead of Mike. I hate myself for going along these lines of thought, because I lost a dear friend with him. Mike’s wicked sense of humor, his warm laugh, forever gone, as is his quick wit and ingenuity that has saved our butt more than one time. There are so many people who dearly loved Mike. He was a wonderful friend.” Sighing, she rubbed her neck and watched her reflection in the window, standing thin and worn-out in her ready room. It was about time to speak out the truth aloud. At least to herself. “As I do love Chakotay. We haven’t even kissed yet, but it feels like we’re already living in a long established intimate relationship. Maybe we were already for years in our own distorted way. Life goes on. Ship‘s business goes on. But we don’t shy away from touching each other anymore, opening up to each other. Whatever it is what we are currently living, it feels good, helps me somehow to get through the bad news of the days.” She paused. Sighed. “We lost precious emergency rations in the last explosion and were forced to reduce them again drastically. It will keep us going for maybe a week more. But we need to leave the nebula as soon as possible and activate the slip-stream, if we want to survive at all. However, we are far from being ready.” Tiredly she closed her eyes. The bad news seem to multiply with every day. “Computer, end log.”

Sighing again, she stepped down the few steps toward her desk and reached for the ration bar at its surface. It was small in her hand. With luck they would be out of their enemies territory in a few days and they could stock up their food somewhere else. If not …

Kathryn stared at the grey wall. She needed to focus. B’Elanna and her unborn child were taken care of, this she knew. That left Naomi.

Coming to a decision, she broke the bar in two halves and took a bite of one half. Slowly eating the meager meal, she hid the other half in her sleeve. She didn’t want others to see what she was about to do. Emotions were too fragile, one never could anticipate what would happen. Tiredly she stood and left the shelter of her ready room.

A few minutes later, she found them huddled together in the alcove, which was theirs, Naomi’s small sleeping form in Samantha Wildman’s arms.

“Sam?”

The younger woman lifted her head, her face pale, smeared with dirt. “Captain.”

“How is she?”

Sam swallowed. “She is finally asleep. She is hungry… As we all are.”

Taking the other woman’s hand, she slipped the half of her bar into her palm and gently forced her fingers close. “Give it to her, when she wakes up, will you?”

“Captain …”

“She is a growing child. I am pretty sure even your half, my half and any other half you get is still too little.”

“It is …,” Sam choked, tears filling her eyes. “How … how can I ever thank you?”

Kathryn squeezed her arm gently. “There is no need, Sam. Sleep well.”

Hastily she retreated from their alcove. To not have Sam see how strongly their meeting had affected her. To not break down in tears. A cold hand gripped after her heart. Even Naomi, this wonderful innocent little child, was starving before their eyes and she couldn’t do anything to prevent it. Mustering the last shreds of composure, she walked along the crew‘s alcoves with clenched teeth, her fingernails digging into her palms, nodding her greetings as she passed crew members.

Only a few meters left to their alcove. She fumbled at her collar. Too little air, too hot, her body too numb. Shaking hands opened the door, revealing Chakotay’s sleeping form in the twilight. Home. Finally.

Sagging against the wall, she closed her eyes and leaned back her head against the cool bulkhead, forcing her will upon her ragged breath with steely determination. She needed to calm down. Now. She knew where this road headed otherwise. It was not an option.

Slowly the tension ebbed. Slowly she felt her body again. Slowly breathing got easier. Exhausted relief washed over her, as the claws of the panic attack subsided, leaving her feeling raw and wounded. Opening her eyes again, her gaze fell on the sleeping man nearby, laying on his stomach and lightly snoring, one arm hanging out of the bed; the blanket, tousled, halfway on the floor. There was no strength left to fight back the overwhelming tenderness she felt at his sight. Slowly, she reached for the blanket and covered him again. He stirred in his sleep.

For endless moments she watched him in his peaceful sleep.

She needed to rest, to be able to somehow continue tomorrow. In silence she undressed herself in the dim light of their alcove, washed herself with shaky fingers, slipped on her pajamas. Her bed cracked slightly as she sat on it, drained, lost. How on earth was she ever supposed to get _Voyager_ out of this? Feeling her face crumble, she gulped back a sob and bit her lips as she watched the tears drop softly on her trousers. Where on earth would she ever find the strength to carry on?

Warm arms embraced her, his familiar scent surrounding her as he pulled her close to his body and she helplessly had to let it happen. Her fingers clenched the fabric of his shirt, when convulsive sobs burst over her defenseless soul. He gently rocked her, soothed her, murmuring in a language she didn’t understand, only felt.

She lost any sense of time.

Extricating herself halfway from his embrace after what felt like an eternity, she didn’t dare to look at him. Her breaths came shakily. “I am sorry,” she husked, trembling.

His warm breath brushed into her hair. “Whatever for, Kathryn? For being human?”

Closing her eyes, she battled with another wave of overwhelming emotions.

He drew her closer again. “It’s okay. I am here.”

In the security of his arms she let go.

 =^=

 

Kathryn braced herself against the ready room’s desk, tiredly watching her senior staff in one of those heated debates which had become so frequent lately. Hollow, pale faces, uniforms too huge. Hunger had been their constant companion the last few days, leaving only a hazy, dizzying feeling and raw emotions behind.

B’Elanna crossed her arms over her chest. “So you want to tell me that basically either the nebula will destroy our systems or we’ll be destroyed by these p’taqs once we leave the nebula. Great.”

“As I told you before,” Tom glared at his wife, “we need to sneak out quietly.”

Tuvok lifted an eyebrow. “And as I have asked you before, Mr. Paris. How do you intend to ‘sneak out quietly’?”

The pilot’s glare now shifted towards her security officer. As with his wife, his glare had no effect on him either. “If I knew, Tuvok, I would have done it long ago.”

Chakotay lifted his hands. “Okay, folks. Stop it! We’re running in circles. Maybe we need to take a break and meet again in two hours.”

They all stared at each other.

“Masking the shields with the polarity of the nebula,” said Harry quietly into the silence. “This might fool their sensors for a while”

Kathryn bit her lip. “Based on the little we know about their sensor system, this could work indeed,” she said pensively.

Beside her, Chakotay rubbed his neck. “How long can we risk staying in the nebula without having more damage than benefit?”

B’Elanna sighed. “Two days, maximum three.”

Kathryn straightened herself. “And we will be ready with the slip-stream and the deflector dish in four days at the earliest.” Starting to pace the room, she shared a meaningful look with Chakotay. If she judged him right, she knew exactly his line of thoughts. "In any case, we need to find a way to get out of the nebula undetected until we are at a safe distance to it. If we jump to warp or activate the slipstream too nearby, we risk igniting it. So pursuing Harry’s idea will be paramount.”

“I agree,” said Chakotay, then focused on the chief-engineer. “B’Elanna, can you make the three days possible?”

Gritting her teeth, B’Elanna stared to the floor, before she faced him again. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll do my best.”

He gave the younger woman a reassuring smile.“That’ll have to do.”

Kathryn let out a slow breath through pursed lips. “So you suggest, Commander, to ‘sneak out’ of the nebula after three days, get into the necessary distance of one light year and then try hide in front of their noses until the slip-stream is finished?”

“Yes.” He met her glance. “Any other ideas?”

She shook her head. “Unfortunately not.”

Beside her Tuvok shifted. “Captain, may I suggest that we search for exit places where our enemies are least likely to expect us to exit the nebula?”

She nodded. “Do it, Tuvok. Tom, Harry, Seven focus on solving the ‘sneaking out’. Dismissed. Commander?”

One by one her staff left the ready room, leaving only her and Chakotay behind. Walking to the window she stared out of it. “It is going to be a very close call this time.”

“I fear you are right.” He stepped beside her, his body so warm, solid, their shoulders brushing, both cautiously leaning on each other. Silence spread within the room. Feeling his eyes on her, she turned her head.

“Eat this,” he said softly.

She stared at the small half of a ration bar offered to her, his fingers slightly trembling as he reached it to her. Lifting her gaze she met his concerned expression, the dark circles under his eyes bearing witness of his exhaustion. This small bar, this little gesture pierced her soul. Exhaling a shuddering breath, she shook her head. She just couldn’t take it from him, he needed it as well as she did. “Chakotay, I …”

He interrupted her. “Others are taking care of Naomi and B’Elanna. You are not taking anything away from anyone.”

“It’s yours.”

“Kathryn…” The expression in his eyes became even more desperate. Pleading. He too took a shuddering breath. “Please, you can’t go on like this,” he whispered.

Something in her broke, leveled all the last remaining walls which she’d erected. Stepping nearer, she touched his face, the hard stubble beneath her finger tips such a sharp contrast to her overflowing heart. In a heartbeat she would have given up her life to save his and she knew he would do the same. What a pair they were.

Laying his hand above hers, he slowly curled his fingers around it. Taking their clasped hands down from his face, he enveloped them with his other hand and she felt the solid bar being pressed into her palm. She watched his dear features. She couldn’t fail him. A smile spread over his face when she clasped her fingers around the bar.

“How utterly unspectacular love can be,” she whispered, her words merging with the room’s silence.

He swallowed. His eyes rested on her, studying her equally carefully.

“Yes,” he finally said. Lifting her hand, he kissed it.

_“Dalby to Chakotay.”_

 Not severing their look, he slowly let her hand go and tapped his comm badge. “Yes, Kenneth?”

 _“We could use a helping hand down here,”_ Dalby said, the fatigue evident from his voice. _“I know you have a lot on your list, but maybe if you-”_

“It’s alright, Kenneth, I am on my way.”

_”Thank you.”_

Closing the line, he smiled at her wearily. “Duty calls.”

“I know,” she answered and squeezed his hand. “See you later, Commander.”

“See you later, Captain.” He squeezed her hand back and walked towards the door. Before he exited the ready room, he turned around and for a few precious second their eyes locked again. Unspectacular it may appear, but it was undoubtedly love she saw there.

Unable to get a clear thought in her mind, she stared for what felt an eternity at the closed door.

They’d been such fools. For so many years.

Such fools to believe their feelings for each other would ever hinder their ability to command this ship. They never really had. On the contrary.

Unfolding her trembling hand, she took the bar out of it.

It tasted like heaven.

 

=^=

 

Kathryn’s curse bounced off the bulkhead’s interior. Sitting back on her heels, she glared at the unit before her, cables hanging loosely out of it. Shaking her head, she pinched her nose. Alright, that idea was definitely not going to work. There had to be another solution to get the deflector going again.

She felt Chakotay’s unexpected presence beside her before she’d even heard him. Without bothering to look at him, she reached for the sonic plier. Maybe that’d work. “Sneaking up on your commanding officer, are you?”

His soft laugh drew her attention to him. Leaning on the wall, his arms crossed over his chest, he smirked at her. “Not cooperating as is it should?”

Frustrated she dropped down the sonic plier. “Not in the slightest. I am already tempted to phaser the whole unit. At least one problem gone.”

Grinning, he offered her his hand. “Thou shalt not phaser your own ship or parts thereof, Captain.”

Lifting her eyebrow, she chuckled and took his hand to stand up. “Can’t remember this specific regulation, Commander. But it makes sense though.”

“Can you spare a few minutes?”

“No,” she sighed. “But I will.”

“Good, as I want to show you something spectacular.”

“Sounds intriguing.”

Guiding her to the turbo lift with his hand on her lower back, he smiled. “Believe me. It is.”

When they entered the mess hall, a small crowd of people was gathered before the windows, which allowed a spectacular view of the nebula. She inwardly smiled as she discovered Tuvok in the midst of the crowd, grateful that the Vulcan had also taken at least a few minutes down-time for himself. As if he had sensed her thoughts, her friend tore his gaze from the window and greeted them with a small nod.

They joined their crew at the window, right in time to witness a comet tail-like red structure swish across their view, exploding into myriads of colors. She gasped in astonishment.

Sensing Chakotay’s view on her, she met his eyes, which sparkled with delight. “I told you it is spectacular.”

As another wave of colors burst before her, she tore her glance from him, aware that he was still looking at her. In awe she watched the colors swirl, before another comet-tailed structure skimmed over them, adding it’s colors to the scenery. “It is utterly beautiful,” she whispered.

“Not so beautiful as watching the two of you,” said a female voice reverently beside her.

Shooting Chakotay a questioning look, she turned around with a puzzled expression on her face and studied the woman standing next to her.

Marla shrank a little and ducked her head. “I am sorry, Captain, that was out of line.”

Kathryn could hear the ‘but’ roaring in the silence, but no one replied. Only gentle, curious glances were directed towards her and Chakotay.

Tuvok watched them intently. “No you weren’t out of line, Crewman Gilmore.” Kathryn felt her pulse quickening at the serene look of her old friend. “It is indeed an uplifting sight. May I offer my congratulations?”

She stared at her third in command, stunned, unable to reply, her pulse beating rapidly in her throat. Chakotay’s fingers touched her hand, curled around hers, steadied the turmoil in her soul.

Straightening, he cleared his throat. “Yes, Tuvok. You may.”

The two men exchanged a long, loaded look, the air sizzling between them. Years of shared history, betrayal, mutual struggle. Earned trust. Reciprocated understanding. The acknowledgment that they’d outgrown their former selves. Before her eyes, they both transformed as they shed away layers of their past until only the essence of them remained.

Engulfed in a graceful aura of power, Tuvok finally stepped towards them. Lifted his hand, touched Chakotay’s face with his fingertips, inducing a silent communication. Chakotay closed his eyes, the struggle for composure plainly written on his features. They stayed there for endless moments. As Tuvok’s hand almost imperceptibly moved to close the connection, Chakotay’s hand shot up, wrapping his fingers around the Vulcan’s wrist. Not even one sound dared to interrupt the sacred, spiritual exchange the two men shared.

Finally opening his eyes again, Chakotay let the other man’s hand go. “Thank you, Tuvok,” he whispered.

The Vulcan watched him for seconds, then bowed his head ever so slightly. “I also thank you for your trust, Commander.”

In silence he left the room, as did the other members of her crew. Some faces smiling, some with suspiciously tearful eyes.

“Kathryn, what was that?” Chakotay breathed into the room’s quietness, his voice shaky.

Staring at the closed door, she gulped back a sob. “I guess, he just told you that he is your friend, Chakotay. One that will stay at your side until the end of your life. And beyond.”

“That he did.”

She turned around. “Vulcans don’t give their friendship lightly.”

“Neither do I.”

She nodded.

He looked out of the window, the nebula’s warm glow shone on his face, softening the sharp edges of exhaustion in his features. “He let me see what he sees in me. And how he sees the two of us.”

Kathryn’s mouth felt dry. “And what did you let him see?”

Chakotay faced her. “How much I, too, value him. How much I love you. How much his blessing means to me.”

She pressed her lips together, unable to shelter her soul from the emotions sweeping over her, leaving her floating. As if in slow-motion, she watched herself as she reached for his head, as her fingers brushed through his hair and she pulled him gently towards her. His arms slipped around her waist, drawing her nearer to his body. And when their lips met in the soft light of the nebula, shyly, tenderly tasting each other as their mouths and their very being opened for the other to be explored, she felt blessed like she never had before.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 5**

 

Kathryn’s head jerked up as she became aware that she’d almost dozed off. Her fingers dug into the arms of her chair. She needed to concentrate. Now. This was the wrong time for mistakes. In a few minutes they would leave the nebula. In a few minutes it would be decided whether or not their enemies were already waiting for them to shoot them into smithereens.

Chakotay looked like he, too, was struggling to keep himself upright, his face ashen, dark circles under his eyes, as he focused on the console between them. Kathryn knew she didn’t look any better. They’d barely slept the last few days, worked non-stop on the slip-stream, non-stop on the repairs, some of the crew past the point of breaking down. Everyone knew what was at stake.

As if sensing her eyes on him, Chakotay lifted his head, glancing at her questioningly.

“Engineering?”

He shook his head. “Still not ready.”

Sighing, she pinched her nose. The waiting was the worst. She should be in engineering, continuing to work on the slip-stream. They were twelve hours ahead of schedule - a tiny victory amongst so many defeats. Still… to be able to activate it, they needed another half of a day.

The console between them beeped. “We have the go from engineering,” Chakotay said gravely.

She locked eyes with him, seeing her own tension in his. “Let the games begin.” Taking a deep breath she crossed her legs. “Lieutenant Paris. Set course heading 342 mark 4. Half impulse.”

“Course laid in,” the pilot replied into the tense silence, the tapping of his commands one of the few sounds audible on the bridge.

Slowly _Voyager_ paved her way through the nebula’s borders. Kathryn followed their progress on her console. “Ensign Kim, activate the modified shields once we are out of the nebula.”

“Aye Captain,” the young man answered.

Tom shifted in his seat. “Leaving the nebula in 10 seconds. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-”

“Shields activated,” announced Harry.

She took a deep breath. Alright. So far so good. “Tuvok initiate full scan on all levels. Tom maintain course.”

Chewing her lip, she stared at the Vulcan as the seconds crawled by.

Tuvok met her look. “All parameters within normal range, Captain. No vessels detected.”

Relief washed over her. Beside her, Chakotay let out a long breath.She shot him a short glance. Seemed like the area was clear. He subtly nodded in response to her unspoken question. Straightening her shoulders, she fixed her eye on the man at the helm. “Tom get us to a safe distance from the nebula. Full impulse.”

“Aye Captain,” he answered, _Voyager_ ’s engines immediately responding to his commands.

“Tuvok, continue scanning.”

“Acknowledged.”

Slowly, _Voyager_ glided through space. Apart from a few occasional readings, no one had the strength left to speak beyond the necessary, tinting the bridge in an eerie silence. Kathryn’s eyelids became heavier the more the time passed.

Tuvok’s voice shocked her back from her drowsy state. “Captain, may I remind you that  Alpha Shift with the exception of Seven and myself is now scheduled for a five hour rest?”

Beside her Chakotay cleared his throat, obviously stifling laughter. Clenching her jaw, she cast a short look to her second in command, who was barely able to conceal his amusement.

“Tuvok is right, Captain,” he shrugged.

Inwardly sighing, she stood up and gave an almost imperceptible nod to her security officer. Of course he was right. She herself had worked out this tight time schedule together with him. The Alpha shift urgently needed to rest. There was no point in waiting for anything on the sensor, when they could catch some rest or work on the tasks at hand. Tuvok and the beta shift were more than capable of doing this. Crunch time would arrive soon enough. They needed to be prepared.

Beside her, Chakotay rose, nodding to the replacement crew already exiting the lift with weary faces.

“Tuvok, you have the bridge,” she said and dragged herself to the turbolift, the rest of the Alpha shift joining her.

Five hours rest sounded great. The next day would certainly require all the strength they could scratch together.

 

=^=

 

Kathryn envied him. Judging from his regular breathing Chakotay had already found his way into sleep. Staring at the ceiling, her thoughts raced, edging out her unending fatigue. Her mind knew that she needed sleep or she would break down. Needed to recover to be able to take over the implementation of the slip-stream, to be able to fly _Voyager_ out of this god-forsaken part of space. Despite their tight repair schedule, they still needed approximately twelve hours to be ready. Twelve hours in open space. Unsheltered except for their adapted shields.

The risk was extreme. Their chances of remaining undetected - and surviving - slim. But there was no other choice.

And then … what if the slip-stream didn’t work?

The sheets in the other bed of their alcove rustled. She sensed Chakotay’s eyes on her. “You need to get some sleep, Kathryn,” he whispered with an urgent undertone.

Sitting up and reaching for a glass of water, she sighed. “It’s … difficult.”

He studied her for what felt like an eternity. Then lifted his sheet. “Come. Get some sleep.”

She stared at him, unable to move. “I’m …” she trailed off.

“… too stubborn for you own good?” he finished the sentence.

She bit her lip. “No.”

“What then?”

Glancing at the floor she took a deep breath before she looked up at him again, “I am not used to falling asleep in someone’s arms anymore,” she said hesitantly.

“Neither am I,” he murmured, keeping his sheet still uplifted.

Without breaking eye contact, she slowly stood, “What a pair we are,” she said softly. Taking a few steps, she slipped under his sheet, unprepared for the all-consuming feeling of warmth and security as his arms folded around her. It was like … coming home, a thought, disturbing and comforting at the same time. She closed her eyes, enjoying the closeness, reveling in his familiar scent, the wonderful feeling of his body, so nearby, so beloved. Like gliding honey, sweet and heavy, sated fatigue settled into her limbs, and nestling her face with a satisfied sigh into the crook of his neck, she allowed sleep’s haze finally to pour into her very being in the same rhythm as Chakotay’s breathing became deep and regular.

A loud crash made her almost jump out of her skin, sent a hot rush of adrenaline through her veins. Chakotay’s body, too, coiled up in full alert, his heart beating rapidly under her ear. “Engines?”

Listening to the steady humming of the ship’s propulsion that had almost become her second nature, she shook her head, her own heart matching the fast thundering of his. “No.“

Another thud, even louder, but this time it was evident that it had nothing to do with the engines but stemmed from the wall adjacent to Dalby’s alcove. Then another followed. And another, accompanied by lustful moans of a female and a male voice. Kathryn’s eyes widened as understanding hit home.

Sighing, Chakotay relaxed in her arms, a mixture of sadness and amusement in the depth of his eyes. “There wasn’t much privacy on the Val Jean either. You’ll get used to it after a while. And considering our current circumstances it’s totally understandable if …” He left the words hanging in the air. Shrugging, he snuggled into his pillow and against her. “Let’s catch some sleep.”

Desperately trying to ignore the noise coming from the alcove next to them, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, too. A sudden scream of extasy pierced the air, triggering an accelerated rhythm of grunting and bumping. Tensing almost simultaneously with her, Chakotay shifted his body so that they came to lay in an awkward embrace. "So much for catching some sleep," he growled.

"Maybe we'll get some sleep after the orgasm, " she said dryly, trying to alleviate the awkward situation between them.

The sudden quickening pulse on his neck told her that she'd failed miserably. And it dawned on her, when she reflected about the way he had shifted his body away from her, that things in their own alcove were definitely not developing towards the road of alleviation. Her cheeks started to burn as she took inventory over her own bodily reactions to his proximity.

The sounds in the neighboring alcove, frantic, unbridled, suddenly peaked, loud, raw, only to be displaced by a silence which almost hurt. Kathryn’s throat tightened painfully as muffled sobs, soothing, gentle voices, the love in them evident, swept into the quietness of their alcove. It pierced her soul. Their situation, _Voyager_ ’s situation so dire that people chose to take what was probably their last chance to love. Chakotay’s breath shuddered, his arms drawing her closer.

Touching her chin he turned her face to him, his heartbeat racing under her fingers as their breaths mingled. “It must have been their first time,” he murmured, sadness clouding his voice, his thumb stroking over her cheek.

“Yes.” Her lips feathered against the edge of his and she shivered as his warm breath, shaky, skimmed over her skin. Their bodies, unable to reign in their emotions, trembling, nestled next to each other, searching for comfort, for balance.

Slowly his lips brushed hers, hesitantly claiming her mouth in the softest of kisses. His tongue darted across her lips, carefully entering her parted mouth, seeking for her tongue, gently touching it. She almost lost herself in the sweet sensation, a heat of want building up within her that she’d never experienced before. The hell with whatever she’d been fighting against the last seven years. This felt right. This WAS right.

Snaking her hand around his neck she responded to his kiss fervently, and wrapping one leg over his hip, she pressed her heated crotch against his hardness.

“Oh god,” he moaned into her mouth and gripped her shirt. She inhaled sharply into their kiss when his hands slipped under it, caressing her heated flesh for the first time as he gently pulled the fabric upwards, his light teasing of her breasts leaving her skin burned. Their lips only broke apart for a moment, when he ripped the shirt over her head. Never withdrawing from his eyes, she reached behind her back, unclasped her bra, tossed it to the floor.

His eyes darted to her bared breasts. This time it was him who inhaled sharply.

She crocked an eye brow. “Shirt off, Chakotay,” she growled.

To her delight he obliged rapidly, revealing his broad chest. So magnificent. Such a beautiful man. Trancelike her fingers traced along the contour of his body. Shivering under her touch, he closed his eyes. His hand wandered behind her back and brought her ever so slowly closer to him until heated skin touched heated skin, until heartbeats came to lay beside each other and her quickly beating heart hammered against his chest. Overflowing with love, with desire.

This time their kiss was anything but soft. Hungrily, their mouths tasted each other, hands desperately gripping, touching the other, drawing their bodies nearer, drawing each other into the bliss of being able to finally live what they felt, what had been crying for release for so many years. Tucking his thumbs into both sides of her panties, he shimmied them down her legs together with her trousers, exposing her naked want to the cold air. Still holding his heated gaze, she kicked her pants away and reached with unsteady hands to the waistband of his pants.

They both stilled as the magnitude of the moment kicked in. They really were about to make love.

Their eyes locked.

“Are you sure about this?” she whispered, her voice trembling.

“If you are?” he replied unsteadily.

Without giving him an answer she unzipped his pants and pulled down his boxers. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw him. Such a beautiful man. Inwardly and outwardly. With shaky fingers she slowly caressed his rigid length, so soft and hard at the same time.

A gurgling sound made her seek his eyes. And she understood. All those years of love and unbearable want flowed into this moment with full force. It was too much, the look on his face evidence of almost inhuman constraint to not spill into her hands in the here and now. Reaching for his face she breathed a kiss on his lips, his eyes, so full of affection, full of desire watching her intently as she opened her heart and legs for him. She felt him cautiously shifting his weight, his hand wrapping warm and determined around her middle, the tip of his erection prodding hot at her moist and ready entrance. Kissing her lovingly and rolling her under him, he sank between her thighs and he finally slid into her very being, physically, spiritually. Effortless. Welcomed. And as she surrendered her soul in a gasp to him with all that she was and would ever be, the look in his eyes, the glittering tear rolling down his cheek told her that he just had done the same.

Time halted, became irrelevant as they studied each other, raw emotions flickering over his face as she was sure were also washing over hers. With shaking hands, she palmed his dear face, which blurred before her despite the smile she felt forming on her lips. He answered with a teary smile, stroking a wet strain of hair out of her face, tenderly caressing her jawbone with the tips of his fingers.

Trailing her fingers along the delicate lines of his collarbones, his muscles, the unreality, incredibility of the situation crept in. “I am sleeping with my first officer,” she stated, her voice hoarse, full of wonder, full of disbelief about the feeling of him stretching her body and filling her soul with overwhelming completeness.

“Yes, you are,” he said softly.

Tilting her head she met his slightly guarded gaze. “I am also sleeping with the man I love.”

“I hope you are.”

“I am,” she replied firmly.

Without breaking eye contact, he intertwined his fingers with hers, slowly moving their hands above her head, pinning her to the mattress. “I am glad to hear it,” he smiled, pinning her down even harder. Inhaling sharply as he penetrated her even deeper, a hot spark emitted along her spine. She raised her eyebrow. “Nice move,” she husked, her breathing quickening. And then she tightened her inner muscles around his rigid shaft, fully aware of her own smile and the predicament she was causing him.

Groaning, he gritted his teeth, the tendons in his neck standing out as he visibly fought for control. His eyes narrowed. “Damn it, Kathryn, that’s unfair,” he growled, his voice rumbling through her body, igniting another wave of almost unbearable want within her.

She tightened her grip on their clasped hands, her breathing coming ragged as he began to move, withdrawing and re-entering her in tantalizingly slow strokes, his eyes never leaving hers. Her body writhed below him in exquisite agony, responding to each of his motions, her belly’s muscles tightening.

“Projections are that we both probably won’t last long,” she groaned helplessly.

“Appears to be a sound projection, Captain,” he said through gritted teeth, and bringing up her knee, he delved once more deeper into her core, wrenching another moan of pleasure from her. “Permission to fuck you senseless?”

“Do it.”

That’s when coherent thinking ended and she lost herself in him, his ministrations, when their bodies found their own way of expressing their love for each other in a language aeons old.The bed croaked below them with each of his thrusts. She didn’t care about being heard. Didn’t care what others would think about them. Just gave herself, her body, away into the sensation of him pounding into her, his warm, sweaty skin slithering over hers, their ragged breathing, the smell of damp arousal.

Her climax caught her completely by surprise, like an avalanche rushing down a mountain. Shaking violently, she convulsed around him, her scream of ecstasy swallowed as he caught her lips in a searing kiss, one hand on her butt fixing her mercilessly against him as he ground his body into hers, faster and faster. Then he stilled, stiffened, his neck arching back as he released himself into her. Collapsed onto her. Took her into a tight embrace. Wept.

She kissed away his tears, let him kiss away her own. Gently she stroked his body until he relaxed, until his breaths evened out and his arm became heavy on her waist. Still feeling the heat radiating from their exhausted bodies, she tiredly watched Chakotay’s sleeping form. In the dim light which graced his naked body, a fine sheen of sweet glittered on his skin. A sad but sated smile formed on her face. At least they would have gifted each other with this one, wonderful time if they didn’t survive the tomorrow.

Nestling into his arms, she closed her eyes, cherishing the feeling that embraced her. Although she had never experienced it before, she recognized for what it was.

Infinite peace.

 

 

=^=

 

 

Her body reacted to the blaring red klaxons before her her mind was fully awake. Jolting to her bare feet, she shivered as the cold air in their small alcove wrapped itself around her naked skin. Ignoring their shared fluids running down her thighs, she snatched her uniform in the dim light. Years of combat experience kicked in.

“Damn it,” cursed Chakotay beside her, hopping on one foot while putting on his shorts.

“Agreed,” she replied and slipped into her clothes, desperately blanking out the nearness of his still mostly naked body, warm and soft-skinned, occasionally bumping into hers while they frantically dressed.

Seconds later they dashed wordlessly along the corridors to the turbolift.

“Status,” she barked as they exited the lift, her view immediately fixed on the view-screen which did not give anything vital away except for the darkness of space they were used to diving through. The concentrated tension on the bridge was almost palpable.

“It appears we’ve run into a network of autonomous sensor mines,” replied Tuvok. “Our ‘sneaking out’ has certainly been detected.”

 “Full stop! Adjust sensors to-” Below her feet the ship buckled violently. Bright lights dashed across the screen like a firework and vanished in the dark.

“We’ve hit a mine,” said Harry into the eerie calm silence, his voice strained.

She cast a quick look to Chakotay. “Now we certainly have their attention,” she grimaced. “Damage report!”

Tuvok’s hands moved fast across his console. “Shields at seventy percent. Twenty three microfractures have formed along the hull’s infrastructure.”

“Send repair teams to seal them immediately before we will risk any breaches. It won’t be long until we have guests and I’d rather have an intact hull then.” The ops frantic beeping made her blood freeze. She spun around. “Harry?”

With a face pale like chalk, the young man met her glance. “Sensors just picked up five war ships on an intercept course. ETA 63 minutes at their current speed.”

She locked eyes with her second in command, her own sheer dismay reflected in the depth of his eyes. “Chakotay, a word. Tuvok, you have the bridge.”

Chakotay just nodded, following her into the ready room. Her heart pounded in her throat, in her ears. Palms sweaty, hand shaking, thoughts racing, her feet started to pace her sanctuary as soon as the door shut behind them. _Voyager_ still damaged, the slipstream not yet ready. They wouldn’t stand a chance against the other ships.

Stopping, she stared out of the window. There was only one possibility. Minuscule. Unrealistic, but it existed. Time halted, her mouth dry as she knew she had to say the inevitable. Turning around, she faced him. “We have to activate the slip-stream. Now.”

Straightening, he nodded, his lips going thin. “I agree,” he replied quietly, his gaze growing intense as he too was about to state the inevitable, well-knowing what it would mean to her. To the ship. To everybody. “You are needed in engineering. I’ll play for time as long as I can.”

“Yes.” A simple word with which she handed him over her responsibility, her burden. A simple word and they’d reversed their roles. From engineering she would be unable to lead; the decisions for them, for their lives were his.

They looked at each other, their ragged breathing the only sound audible in the room.

Rubbing her forehead, she held his gaze. Former enemy, first officer, friend, lover. So little time left, so much still needed to say. Time had never been in their favor. She took a long shuddering breath. Swallowed. Straightened herself. “Chakotay. If we survive this...” She bit her lip, then lifted her chin as if to will out the last ounce of courage she had in her. “Will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

She almost laughed at the look of incredulity on his face. “You are proposing? NOW?”

Putting her hands on her hips, she fixed him with a glare. “That’s all you have to say? I will probably never have the chance to ask you again. So on the slim chance we survive this, will or will you not marry me?”

He shook his head in disbelief, ran his hand through his hair, trembling, insecure, his features softening as she did not avoid his gaze. “Of course I will.”

“So be it then,” she almost choked, her eyes watery, a lump forming in her throat at the implication of what they’d just acknowledged. She had to get a grip, there was no time for dallying. Taking a deep breath, she sharply nodded and headed towards the bridge. “Let’s get this ship home.”

He stopped her, his hand felt warm on her upper arm. “Kathryn.”

She met his glance. “Yes.”

Leaning in closely, he kissed her, so soft, so warm, so loving. Brushing a strain of hair out of her face, he traced her lips with his thumb, his eyes intense on her. “Let’s get this ship home.”

Together, as command team, they strode onto the eerily silent bridge. Quickly surveying the worn-out faces of her crew, her heart sank. Chances were high that they wouldn’t survive, and they knew. Chances were high that this was the last time she’d see them. See Chakotay.

“Chakotay, you have the bridge,” she said into the silence, glad that her voice did not waver too much. She was painfully aware of the inquiring looks of the crew.

“Aye, Captain,” he replied quietly.

Forcing herself to turn around, she headed towards the turbolift, Chakotay’s warm baritone already shouting orders. “Bridge to engineering. Get the slip-stream ready as fast as possible, even if it is only limping. The Captain is on her way. All other available personnel, increase hull integrity immediately.”

 _“Understood,”_ B’Elanna’s voice, stressed, strained, echoed over the comm.

“Paris, Tuvok, let’s find a strategic good place to play for time and whip their asses before they’re able to shoot. We need to buy some time.”

“Aye sir.”

Before the doors swished shut, she caught a last glimpse on him on the bridge. Upright and powerful, unbridled. A force to be reckoned with. And she understood in this moment that despite all these years he’d followed her lead, he was still a Captain. He’d merely been her subordinate by his own choice.

Ever since he’d set foot on the ship, _Voyager_ had had two Captains.

Like twin stars bound together by gravity, orbiting around their shared center, they’d done what had been necessary. She in the front, he in the back. Now that they had reversed their roles to again do what was necessary, she would give her best, as she knew he would, too.

As the lift raced towards engineering, she grasped for the first time the magnitude of this quiet power between them. A power so enduring that it had supported their journey for almost seven years. A power so strong that it now transformed her unending fatigue into a sharp clarity, right in time before the turbolift spilled her into the spinning hell of engineering.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 6**

 

They were way past the estimated 63 minutes. By now they should have been long in battle. By now, they would normally be glad to be still alive. Chakotay obviously had kept their enemies at bay with all the skills he had, had kept _Voyager_ ’s crew alive so far. With every passing minute, they were approaching the seemingly impossible - a working slip-stream device.

Kathryn’s hands trembled slightly as she adjusted the last parameters of Arturis’ apparatus and sighed, relieved, as it hummed into action, it’s orb brightening with every second. “Alright, it is aligned. We’re in the game, more or less.”

“We just passed the 95 minute mark,” Marla muttered into the frantic concentration of engineering.

“Understood,” answered B’Elanna through clenched teeth and reached for a hypospanner. “Whatever they’re doing on the bridge, they have to keep going. We-”

 _”Bridge to engineering. We need the slip-stream drive. NOW.”*_ The stress was evident in Chakotay’s voice. As if to emphasize his words, the ship shuttered.

B’Elanna shot Kathryn a horrified look over the drive’s glowing orb. “If we keep adjusting it manually?”

Kathryn’s jaw clenched.  She tapped her badge, her mouth feeling dry. “Stand by, Commander.” She rounded the console, joining B’Elanna, who nodded slightly. Straightening, she stared at the data before her. “Alright, no guarantees here, Chakotay. We’ll have to compensate for changes in the phase variance manually.”

_“Acknowledged. Do it.”_

And for the shortest of moments, she had to close her eyes as overwhelming emotions swept over her. His voice. The peace in his presence. The comfort of his embrace.

“Initiating manual control.” B’Elanna’s voice jolted her back to the her and now. “Vorik, keep us updated on the progress.”

“Aye, Lieutenant. Ship’s at full impulse. We need to increase power to deflector control.”

“Rerouting auxiliary power,” confirmed B’Elanna.”Deflector is focused on the quantum field.”

“Quantum warp field is establishing,” announced the young Vulcan. “It’s stable.”

“Alright everyone, we are at slipstream velocity.” Kathryn wiped the sweat off her forehead, concentrating on the task at hand. “Now let’s keep it going without blasting the ship to pieces . I am compensating for fluctuations in the phase variance.”

“Structural integrity’s down by 11.5 percent.”

“That’s way too much, way too fast,” growled B’Elanna. “Reroute all emergency power to structural integrity.”

Kathryn bit her lip, things were moving too fast. “Adjusting phase variance. Variances are changing faster now. I need assistance.”

“Acknowledged.” Carey stepped beside her.

A console beeped, Marla’s sharp intake announcing already the bad news. “The ODN conduits in the main deflector are starting to overheat. Structural integrity’s down by 40%.”

“Damn!” cursed B’Elanna. “Engineering to Seven of Nine. The main deflector is about to fail. We need to compensate with the navigational deflectors.”

 _”Acknowledged,”_ replied the young Borg. _“Rerouting power to navigational deflector. Partial compensation of the main deflector on my mark. Three, two, one, mark.”_

“Navigational deflectors are compensating,” stated Vorik into the strained silence of the room, “ODN conduits in the main detector are still overheating. Micro hull fractures are forming.”

Beside Kathryn, Dalby cursed. “Damn it! There is a cascade failure in the plasma relays! A breach is forming near section 58.“

B’Elanna stormed towards the next console. “Marla, immediately shut down automatic forcefields in this section and seal the breaches!”

“They are not responding” said Marla, the panic in her voice clearly audible.

“Torres to the Bridge. We have to shut-down the slipstream immediately!”

 _“Not yet, B’Elanna! We need more time,”_ barked Chakotay.

“You don’t get it,” B’Elanna snapped back “Without cooling, the ODN conduits will blow up in our face any minute and take the whole ship with them. We have to shut down NOW or-” Stopping mid-sentence, the younger woman turned around and shot Kathryn a wide eyed look.

And she understood. If someone could cool the conduits individually with plasma coolant and exchange the plasma relays which had been damaged then ... Both their glances darted towards the chief engineer’s swollen belly, then back. B’Elanna wouldn’t be able to do it fast enough. Hell, even Kathryn would be most likely not fast enough. It was madness, reckless to even consider doing it. The chances of survival …

 _”B’Elanna?”_ Chakotay urged.

B’Elanna’s eyes bore into hers. Snapping into motion, Kathryn raced towards a staple of emergency equipment and pulled a box with plasma coolant injectors out of it. Then grabbed another one with spare parts for plasma relays.

“I’ll do it,” she shouted towards her chief engineer on her way out of engineering, Chakotay’s almost soul-piercing _”B’Elanna?!”_ the last words she heard before she darted into the corridors towards the Deflector Control room. She knew him well enough to know that he suspected what she was about to do. Wished she could speak once more to him.

Heavy running footsteps, slowly catching up behind her, told her that someone obviously had decided to help. She didn’t look back, continued to chase along the corridors. There was no time. Whoever it was, it was clear that he was risking his life to increase _Voyager_ ’s, but particularly her own chances of survival. Arriving, breathless, a few meters from the Deflector Control Room, she pulled out the tricorder, swearing loudly as it depicted multiple massive energy build ups. On the bright side, it appeared that only one of the major plasma relays needed to be replaced to activate the forcefields.

In haste, she wrenched open the hatch of the Jefferies tube before her, and shoving the boxes into it, she entered the tube. Ragged breathing behind her announced her companion’s arrival.

Without looking back she continued to crawl along the narrow corridor. “Crewman, this is most likely a one way mission. You still have time to turn-”

“I won’t,” a familiar male voice interrupted her firmly. Dalby.

She swallowed. “Alright, Kenneth. We need to treat the ODN junction boxes and replace one plasma relay as fast as possible”

“Aye, Captain,” he replied, his voice pressed.

When they rounded the next corner, they were almost thrown back by the heat that met them. Kneeling, she opened the box and pulled out two injectors, handing one to Dalby. For the first time since he’d joined her, she met his gaze, the determination and fear clearly evident in his eyes.

She took a deep breath. “I won’t have to tell you to be careful with the coolant, will I?”

Taking the injector with a slightly shaking hand, he swallowed. “No. I know the risks. Where?”

Kathryn pointed to the right side of the tub. “I’ll take the first two ODN junction boxes, you take the two subsequent ones. The next affected boxes are further down the tube around the corner. As well as the malfunctioning plasma relay.”

He nodded. There was no need to emphasize that exchanging the plasma relay was paramount. Without being able to activate the emergency seal in this section, _Voyager_ would have to activate seals much further into the ship, risking irreparable damage of vital systems. If not more.

The heat lessened immediately as they injected the coolant. “It’s working,” Dalby said relieved.

She nodded, equally relieved, and targeted the next box, Dalby on her heels.

Without forewarning, the ship buckled violently, jolting Dalby’s solid body against her, crushing her against the wall. She flinched.

“Captain, you’re alright?”

“Let’s move to the next one,” she said through gritted teeth, ignoring the pain in her shoulder. “Over there.”

They crawled, worked, as fast as they could. Sweat poured down her face, breathing became increasingly difficult in the heated air that became more and more filled with the acrid smell of burning material. When they went around the corner, the air almost glimmered.

Beside her, Dalby cursed.

“The relay has priority,” she said.

_“Torres to Janeway. The power build up is reaching critical levels. Get out of there! NOW!"_

They stared at each other. Knew that they were definitely too far away from their now safe entry point to the tube to make it in time. Knew that the next suitable exit port of the tube lead directly into the area in question. Knew that getting this one major plasma relay was probably their only chance. 

She gritted her teeth. “Head back, Dalby. That’s an order. And tell Chakotay that I love him.”

Shooting her a look that left no room for any argument, he shoved her to the side and advanced rapidly crawling further down along the heated tube. “There is an exit down there. You’ll exchange the relay and I’ll try to cool down some of the critical boxes to buy us some time. If we are fast enough we can activate the forcefield AND get out of the tube.”

She didn’t respond, merely tried to speed up to reach the relay. Yanked the opening away to get access to it, ripped out the molded relay. Started to replace it with a new one, her fingers trembling.

From the corners of her eyes, she noticed how Dalby crawled down the corridor, felt the heat slowly diminish as he injected the plasma coolant to affected boxes.

The tubes floor started to rumble. Increasingly.

“Get out. NOW!” screamed Dalby.

The new relay went in with a click. She didn’t give it a second glance, just raced on all four in direction of Dalby, who dashed into the tube’s exit port.

Something burst. The floor started to shake violently.

“Go. Go. GO!” she shouted as she too entered the exit tunnel, mobilizing all of her remaining strength. Dalby’s hand suddenly gripped her upper arm hard, yanking her with him as he tumbled out of the tube. With a loud thud they hit the floor, Dalby crying out in pain as she crashed on top of him, the sheer momentum forcing them to slither against the bulkhead.

“Computer activate force fields,” she yelled. Something soft shimmered before them, merely moments before the fiery blast of an explosion lashed against the force field.

It held.

Although relief washed over her, her senses started immediately classifying her surroundings. The ship was still intact. They were definitely not in slipstream mode anymore, but then - there were no red alert klaxons either. Part of her relaxed.

Panting, they laid beside each other.

“You disobeyed orders, crewman,” she finally managed to say through her ragged breathing as she clumsily tried to stand up, reaching out her hand to assist him.

Grimacing, he rolled to the side and took her hand.

“Bloody hell, yes, Captain,” he said pressed, the pain evident in his voice as he heaved himself into a standing position. Standing on wobbly feet, he watched her intently. “Tell him by yourself.”

A lump formed in her throat and she felt a teary smile forming on her face. Without Dalby, she wouldn’t be standing here. Wouldn’t have the opportunity to ever say _anything_ to Chakotay again. 

Dalby’s pale and worn-out features softened at her expression.

_“Chakotay to Janeway.”_

With shaking fingers she tapped her comm badge, locking eyes with Dalby, his face getting a shade more pale. “Status, Commander.”

Chakotay’s voice trembled ever so slightly. _“We are out of their space.”_

She closed her eyes briefly as the impact of his words hit home, almost loosing any strength in her knees, almost loosing her ability to breath. Without any further thought she reached for Dalby. He immediately understood, gave her his support. “Casualties?” she asked, her voice hoarse, her fingers digging deep into her crewman’s arm.

_“Only wounded.”_

“M-class planets?” she forced herself to ask, clinging to the tasks at hand, the sheer improbable magnitude of what had happened almost overwhelming her.

 _“Three within 2 light years.”_ Chakotay said, evidently also clinging to protocol. _”Uninhabited.”_

“Set a course-”

 _“Already done,”_ he interrupted her. The silence that then stretched between them full of meaning, unbearable exhaustion. Chakotay’s voice trembled as he finally continued to speak. _“We did it, Kathryn. We did it.”_

“Yes … we did it. She took a shuddering deep breath. “See you on the bridge in a few minutes, Commander. Janeway out.”

The line went dead.

Lifting her head, she sought Dalby’s eyes. “Kenneth…” she trailed off, unsure how to express her indescribable gratitude to this man. She placed her hand on his chest.

From the expression in his eyes, the small smile playing around the edges of his lips, she saw that he understood nevertheless. Slowly, he placed his hand over hers and squeezed it. “It’s an honor to serve with you, Captain. And now go and tell him.”

“I will.” She inhaled deeply. “Thank you.”

He nodded lightly and extricated himself from her touch, his eyes sparkling in amusement. “Now off you go, Captain. Or shall I make it an order?”

“Watch it, Dalby!” she grinned sheepishly.

His laughter almost accompanied her until she reached the turbolift.

 

=^=

 

“Captain on the bridge.”

Dust filled the air, reflecting the flickering light of damaged lamps in a ghostly glow. She stepped into the debris of what had been _Voyager_ ’s bridge, her throat tightening as her crew stood at attention. Tired. Famished. Exhausted. Bleeding. As if in a trance, she watched Chakotay slowly rise from his seat, his gaze following her movements through the room to her chair.

“As you were,” she said into the tense silence, unable to hide the trembling in her voice, unable to avert her eyes from him, even as she came to stand beside her seat.

“How on earth did you manage the impossible down there?” he asked quietly, hoarse from shouting orders, struggling for composure.

“I should ask you the same.” She looked up at him, her hands helpless along her side, not knowing how to proceed with him, with her emotions.“Chakotay … we survived …” she finally whispered after endless moments, her eyes filling with tears.

Unspoken meaning passed between them.

A muscle in his jaw clenched. And she knew they were both about to lose their battle for control.

“Yes. I know-” His voice broke off, his eyes boring into hers. Slowly the dam broke. “Damn it,” he finally cursed and hauled her into an embrace so fast that she forgot to breathe, burying his face into her neck. Trembling, she wrapped her arms around his waist, cherishing his warm shaking body beneath her fingers, the heartbeat in his chest. So full of life. So full of love. Warm tears moistened the skin on her neck. Incapable of holding back her own tears, her fist clenched around the fabric of his jacket.

Time passed. Slowly. Elapsed past the point that was appropriate between commanding officers, exceeded that between friends. Knowing that the crew was watching them, she finally willed herself to extricate herself from the security of his arms. He looked like a mess. Desperately trying to regain her own composure, she straightened herself and wiped her face with her sleeve. Slowly her surroundings came into focus again.

A lump formed in her throat as she saw them still standing attention. Her gaze was drawn to the man at the helm, who watched them with barely suppressed feelings, his uniform bloody, torn, revealing a nasty wound on his limb.

“My daughter will live,” Tom said quietly as she faced him, his voice full of emotion. “And don’t you dare tell me now that we all achieved this together. It’s true, but it’s so utterly wrong at the same time that I could scream.” He paused, swallowed, took a deep breath. “She wouldn’t live, hell, WE wouldn’t live if it hadn’t been for the two of you. Even in a situation so dire that there are no odds to beat, you don’t give up. You keep hoping. Keep seeing the best in everyone of us.” Staring down at the floor with his arms hanging loosely on his sides, he clenched his fists. When he lifted his head again, tears glittered on his cheeks. “I am forever indepted to you.”

“So am I,” said Sam, stepping beside Tom, her view serene, her voice soft. “And so are many others.”

Words failed her, as they did Chakotay, judging from his shuddering breath beside her. As she watched the two people before her, as dear as they’d become over the years, she knew that no words were required. Never would be required. So she did the only thing the sheer force of the moment enabled her.

She nodded. Stopped hiding behind her authority. Let them see her. How she too was on the verge of breaking down like everyone else. How deeply moved she was at their declaration. How completely she failed at finding any words to express herself. Their features, the small smile playing on Sam’s lips, Tom’s teary eyes, told her that they understood nevertheless.

Finally straightening her shoulders, she cast Chakotay a short glance. He responded with a weary smile. “Chakotay, can you fix a senior staff meeting in fifteen minutes? We need to take stock of the damage and work out some repair and rest schedules.”

He nodded. “Sure.”

“You have the bridge, Commander.”

As the ready room’s door closed behind her, she sagged against the bulkhead, helplessly watching as the many emotions she’d tried to keep at bay for months uncoiled within her and merged with the sheer immensity of the tasks before her. Food. Repairs. Stocks. Her relationship with Chakotay.

They’d survived.

Convulsive sobs escaped her, tightly grabbed her being. For the first time since they’d been stranded in the Delta Quadrant, she allowed them to well up, let them flow freely, cleanse her soul and wash it with a long sought freedom. Time passed, but she didn’t care. As her breaths became calmer, deeper, a smile crept over her face as her thoughts wandered to the man watching over _Voyager_ ’s bridge. They would do fine. It wouldn’t be easy, but they would do fine.

Slowly pushing herself away from the wall, she tentatively walked the few steps towards her desk and brushed the debris away from its surface, inwardly sighing about how often she’d had to do this the last several months. Reaching for a dusty PADD with the last status report of their supplies - or the lack thereof, she activated it and started to scroll through the seemingly never ending list. They would need to restock, and soon. Hopefully the planet they were heading to would be of some help.

A blue light rushed over her fingers. Her blood froze in her veins as she recognized it for what it was. In horror she watched the scan wandering over the rest of her ready room, before her years of combat experience kicked in. Only moments later red alert klaxons blared through the ship. Pivoting on her heels, she dashed out of the door.

“Report,” she barked, surveying the frantic action on the bridge with one glance. Chakotay’s body language spoke volumes.

“Two ships just decloaked starboard,” he said, stepping sideways to make room for her, “We’re unable to scan them, their technology is far above ours.”

Tucking in her jacket, she moved beside him, the same tension she felt radiated from his body. “Looks like we're not out of the woods yet.”

The Ops station beeped. “We’re being hailed,” stated Harry.

Exchanging a pained look with Chakotay, she bit her lip. _Voyager_ was in a bad shape. They all were in bad shape. The bridge, a chaos. Her crew, she herself, not looking any better. Not the best start for a first contact, the worst if it turned out to be a dangerous one. Lifting her chin, she turned to the screen, wrapping herself with the last shred of power she could bring up, drawing strength from Chakotay’s solid presence behind her left shoulder.

“On screen,” she said with more confidence than she felt.

The elegant interior of an alien vessel appeared, in its midst several almost ethereal, darkly clad humanoids. One of them stepped forward. “We are the Aesith. My name is Captain Maesin Frasse Ghui. You are the first to escape the Taag-Mudi in many centuries. Who are you?”

Unsure with whom she was dealing, Kathryn’s mind raced. They seemed to be friendly. At least they made contact before they shot. She cleared her throat. “My name is Kathryn Janeway, captain of the Federation Starship _Voyager_. We are peaceful explorers.”

The obviously female alien captain appeared to be amused. “We know. We are telepaths. If you had harmful intentions, we would have undertaken appropriate action already.” She leaned forward towards the screen, her gaze swept over _Voyager_ ’s bridge. “You are in urgent need of medical assistance and supplies,” she stated the obvious.

“We are.” Kathryn shared a quick look with Chakotay. “I am not sure what we can offer you in return though.”

“We have scanned your ship and your library. Your star maps and your database of music will suffice for the exchange of all necessary supplies and our help in repairs,” the alien captain said and tilting her head, she studied Kathryn, then Chakotay closely, a smile enlightening her face. “We also understand that you and your second in command have the request to be bonded.”

Judging from the audible gasps on the bridge, the statement hit like a torpedo. It certainly hit her knees, which abruptly felt more wobbly than ever before. Also the room became suddenly very warm, her face burned. She could feel Chakotay stiffening behind her, his breaths quickened. Swirling around in his chair, Tom’s face was full of amazement, his eyes kind.

The alien exchanged a glance with the one standing beside her, apparently communicating with each other. She finally shifted from one foot to another. “Captain, I apologize if this conversation is offending you or causing you discomfort. Our contact with non-telephatic species is very limited.”

“No offense taken.” Kathryn massaged her neck. “This is a very generous offer from you, which we will gladly accept. Our stellar maps and music archive from the Alpha, Beta and Delta Quadrant are at your disposal.”

“Then the exchange will be arranged.” Amusement sparkled in the other Captain’s eyes. “And your second request, Captain Kathryn Janeway, from the Federation Starship _Voyager_?”

The alien’s view lingered on her. Something gentle brushed her mind. Warm, comforting, re-assuring. _So much unconditional love._ Chakotay’s sharp intake beside her was confirmation enough that she hadn’t imagined it. Staring at the being on the screen, one hand on her hip, Kathryn exhaled slowly. Now was the wrong time to bolt.

“As you obviously are aware, this …,” she hesitated, desperately searching for appropriate words, “this second request is of a very personal nature. However,” she turned around, searched for Chakotays eyes, her pulse beating rapidly, “if my second in command has no objections…”

Chakotay’s features softened. “He has none.”

She drowned in his eyes.

In her feelings.

It cost her all her strength to withdraw from him, to turn around and to face this strange alien again. Her voice trembled as she fought her way to the end of the sentence. “… then we would kindly ask if it is possible to perform a bonding ceremony during our stay in your territory.”

“We will be honored.” The alien inclined her neck. The gentle brush into her mind returned. _We will be honored indeed. Also my personal blessing for your union. Captain, Commander._

Before them the screen went black.

Biting her lip, she stared at the floor, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She had just arranged her wedding, hadn’t she? She of all people was finally getting married? To her first officer?

Something before her moved and as she lifted her view she saw Tom Paris grinning from ear to ear. “Although you both look like you are scared shitless … Permission to hug the Captain and to congratulate to you both?”

“Permission granted … I … guess,” she said shakily.

 And for the second time this day she found herself to be hauled into an embrace which took her breath away.


	8. Chapter 8

**EPILOGUE**

 

Taking a deep breath, Kathryn stared at the closed door before them. “Status.”

Beside her, Chakotay swallowed. “Strong feeling of unreality, mixed with nervousness … no … make it panic. This all together with a portion of uncontrollable nausea,” he stated, his voice slightly trembling. “Yourself?”

Still focusing on the shut door, she smoothed her dress uniform with sweaty palms, her pulse beating rapidly. “Likewise. Rings?”

He cleared his throat. “In my pocket.” 

Silence stretched between them, allowing the muffled festive music to penetrate the doors. It didn’t help in the least to alleviate her inner turmoil. Turning to him, she searched for his eyes. His face was as pale as she felt.

“Chakotay, tell me. How are we ever going to explain this to Starfleet?”

Slowly, he shook his head. “I have no idea, Kathryn. We could blame the crew though.”

Pinching the bridge of her nose, she nodded and then immediately shook her head. “Good idea. Won’t work though.”

He chuckled quietly. “Well, it’s your fault. You were the one who proposed.”

Letting out a huge breath, she faced the door again and bit her lip. “You didn’t have to accept, Commander. But I have to give you credit … we simply could have co-habitated instead.”

“True. Would have been easier to the nerves than today’s spectacle.”

“No objection to that.”

Silence engulfed them again.

This time, it was him who turned to her. “Kathryn. Do you have any doubts about this?”

The question in his eyes almost wrenched her heart. With shaking fingers, she reached for his cheek. “No, Chakotay. Not in the slightest. Never doubt that.“ Beneath her hand, his body relaxed. “Let’s do it?”

Taking her hand into his, he smiled. “Let’s do it.”

With their fingers entwined, they stepped through the door into the bright light of the ceremonial hall.


End file.
